BIEN-ÊTRE
25/07/2016 09:12 EDT | Actualisé 25/07/2016 09:16 EDT

L'annonce sur Craigslist de cette femme en peine d'amour va vous faire rire (ou pleurer)

Une rupture, c'est difficile. Mais ce l'est encore plus lorsqu'un mélangeur dispendieux est là pour vous rappeler celui qui vous a brisé le coeur.

Une new-yorkaise a publié il y a quelques jours une petite annonce sur le site Craigslist pour vendre un mélangeur Vitamix que son ex-petit ami lui avait offert quelques jours après leur rupture. L'annonce, intitulée «Wanna put my tender heart in a blender ― 400$ (Je veux mettre mon coeur tendre dans un mélangeur)», est rapidement devenue virale.

«Ne fréquentez jamais un avocat», commence-t-elle. Puis, dans un long message teinté d'humour noir, elle raconte sa relation avec l'avocat qui lui a offert le petit électroménager: leur rencontre sur Tinder, leurs premiers rendez-vous, leur parfait bonheur, les premiers déboires...

«Puis, un soir, vous regardez un film sur la futilité de la monogamie, et il capote. Il a peur de l'engagement. Un homme qui s'est engagé à travailler 80 heures par semaine pour des raisons nébuleuses a peur de l'engagement», écrit-elle.

«Vous partez en week-end avec un groupe de ses amis. Ils ont tous plus de succès que toi. Tu essaies d'être sociable, mais ta confiance en prend un coup. C'est à ce moment-là qu'il décide que vous êtes incompatible.»

Le couple rompt finalement le lendemain de l'anniversaire de la jeune femme. Quelques jours plus tard, elle reçoit le mélangeur en question. «Soit il veut que tu le reprennes, soit il ne comprend pas la race humaine.»

Elle conclut qu'il ne comprend pas la race humaine. «Qui offre un Vitamix à une personne avec qui ils viennent de rompre? Il veut être le héros dans cette histoire.»

L'auteure de l'annonce avoue avoir songé à le détruire en le lançant dans la rue. «Mais je ne ruinerai pas un mélangeur tout neuf», décide-t-elle. «Il reste là, sur mon micro-ondes. J'en ai peur. Aidez-moi», implore-t-elle.

«Il vient dans la boîte avec une garantie de cinq ans et un livre de recettes. Je suis aussi disponible pour des rendez-vous galants», conclut-elle.

La morale de cette histoire? Les mélangeurs, c'est pour les cadeaux de mariage, pas pour une rupture.

L'annonce intégrale (en anglais) est retranscrite ci-dessous:

Never date a corporate lawyer. Here's how it goes. You match him on Tinder and give him a chance even though he ghosted you after one date. You never get an explanation for this beyond "I was looking for something specific," which sounds like another lawyer or some Woody Allenesque waif-bot, but most Brooklyn dudes want that, so fuck it. He has nice hair. He apologizes, claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes.

He's kind. Not like other corporate lawyers, you tell your friends, who smile painfully. He wants to leave Wappen & Kladden! He has values! He's sensitive! You've never been happier, and he says he's never been happier, and for the first time, you know you're in love.

You spend a fortune on dates and don't care. He makes three times as much as you, but you want to prove you're not after his money.

One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he freaks out. He's scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment. The guy who asked to meet your family after you said it would be okay to wait, because commitment can be scary, is now scared of commitment. You imagine your brother and dad, who only met one other boyfriend and hated him, discussing this the way people discuss natural disasters. "A damn shame. Now a whole different penis will have to enter her."

But you know something has changed. Lately he seems less cute and more boring. You remember that you're not Gal Gadot and that people are as interesting as you let them be. You say, "I'm sorry if sometimes I look at you blankly instead of listening." He says, "Sometimes I want to leave." How did he pass the LSATs? You tell him it's okay to be human.

You go upstate with a bunch of his friends. They're all more successful than you. You try to be social, but your confidence is shot. This is when he decides you're incompatible.

He comes over in a panic. He's sad because "we used to be so happy." He sees you "in a negative way" now. He sometimes even doubts you're attractive. Because lawyers think it's important to present all sides of reality. To acknowledge how illusory everything is, even human connection. A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mile up his own asshole.

He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it. It's the day after your birthday. A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species.

He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they're dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story: "I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up." He wants me to remember him fondly. I can't abide it. I had fleeting Hollywood fantasies about smashing it in the street, but that's for waif-bots. I'm not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender. Yet, sitting on my microwave, it looks exactly like the Wappen & Kladden building. I am afraid of it. Please help me.

It's a certified reconditioned 5200 series. It comes in the box with a 5-year warranty and a recipe book. I am also available for dates.

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