Yummy Mummy Club2013-05-22T07:18:49-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.quebec.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=yummy-mummy-clubCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Yummy Mummy ClubGood old fashioned elbow grease.Should I Raise My Child With Religion, Or Let Him Choose?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.32222932013-05-06T11:14:26-04:002013-05-06T12:40:41-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
Though we were both raised Catholic, my husband and I made a conscious decision to eschew religion when raising our son. At the risk of facing the ire of in-laws, we decided not to christen him or to subject him to regular mass or sacraments. He is attending a public school.
Like many parents, we do not want to force a particular faith onto our child. Rather, we want him to make an informed decision about his own spirituality when he is old and mature enough to do so. Until then, we try to impart our Christian values in a loose, fairy tale way. While it may be naive of me to think you can cherry pick parts of a given religion and discard those that leave a bad aftertaste, so be it. Yet part of me wonders if agnosticism is truly the right move.
Click here to learn why this mom has been losing her religion.
I wonder whether he is missing out on a distinct sense of community and tradition. When you don't belong to a religion, you are adrift. You have friends and family, sure, but no spiritual raft. Are we doing our son a disservice by leaving him fledgling out at sea with no oar?
For those who staunchly believe, faith creates order out of chaos, meaning out of meaninglessness. But at heart I'm a Lennonist (not to be confused with Leninist!). As in John Lennon, of Beatles "All you need is love," fame.
I'm a big believer in love over rites and rituals. Given the choice, I'll choose human kindness and acceptance over doctrine and dogma any day of the week. Jesus loved sinners. However, I've come to the sad conclusion that the Church does not. But who knows what will happen with a fresh new pope in situ.
Click here to learn how these parents are raising their children in an interfaith home.
Though I wouldn't liken a religious upbringing with child abuse, as some atheists famously do, I question whether it is selfish to blackball my son's spiritual education. If we don't teach him, how will he know what he's missing? Will he resent us for not versing him in the ways of the Bible or introducing him to God, Allah, and Buddha?
Or in leaving the slate blank, are we giving our son the greatest spiritual gift of all -- that of choice?
]]>How Pageant Parents Teach Us What Not to Dotag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.30364522013-04-08T12:07:12-04:002013-04-08T12:10:08-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
To most parents Toddlers & Tiaras is so offensive that we can hardly watch it, let alone relate to it. Crazed, crown-obsessed parents dressing up their children like "living dolls" complete with hairpieces, false eyelashes, heavy makeup, spray tanner and hyper-sexualized outfits seem, to most people, like cult members from another planet.
Children's beauty pageants promote unhealthy competition between girls, the cultivation of negative personality traits (such as acting like a "diva") and an over-emphasis on appearance and physicality. While this may be obvious to many, what we often fail to see are the grains of these behaviours "normal" parents may engage in.
Here are the top five lessons all parents can take from these pageant-parents in order to help their daughters build authentic and long-lasting self-esteem.
Click here to learn why we need to love ourselves just the way we are.
Praise intellectual, creative and athletic accomplishments -- First, these accomplishments take hard work and commitment, qualities we want to cultivate in our children. Second, these activities bring endless rewards to our daughters, throughout the life course. By encouraging these pursuits we are setting up our daughters to build fulfilling lives not based on superficial qualities. It is easy to fall into the trap of praising our girls for being pretty or cute or for wearing a trendy outfit. However, as parents it is important to show our daughters the kinds of accomplishments we really value.
Praise displays of kind and egalitarian behaviours -- Sometimes parents talk about their daughters, especially during the mean tween years, as people who, if they were roommates, would have their lease terminated. In order to raise the kind of young women we would want to befriend, let alone live with, we need show them that we value congenial behaviours. Grace is about equality, not hierarchy.
Provide incentives that are based on factors they can control -- Instead of bartering with our daughters, ("I'll clean your room if you win the crown") offer incentives to good behaviours and accomplishments that they can control. For example, instead of offering a reward for earning a particular grade, offer the reward based on how much time they spend studying. Offering incentives for things dependent on the judgment of others sets your daughter up for a lifetime of seeking external validation. Instead, teach her how to develop her own sense of self-worth not beholden to the judgment of others.
Click here to learn how to create self-esteem in a girl's life.
Promote positive relationships with other girls -- Girls need girlfriends. Healthy relationships with peers can greatly strengthen the quality of our daughter's life. Girlfriends can offer support, a springboard for self-reflection and companionship. Destructive patterns of communication, such as gossiping, teasing, jealousy and comparison, can be discouraged as we encourage our girls to value and attend to the quality of their friendships.
Treat your kids with compassion without projecting your insecurities onto them -- More than anything else, I feel badly for the pageant-parents on Toddlers & Tiaras because it is so obvious they are trying to live vicariously through their children. Perhaps they were picked on as children, or perhaps their childhood was their happiest time and their adult lives are lacking. In any event, they certainly don't present themselves as people to emulate. I can't help but wonder if they are just putting their own insecurities onto their daughters in the hopes of immediate -- and glittery -- validation. If so, no doubt it is unintentional. They likely even think they are helping their daughters to build confidence and have fun. The audience knows better.
]]>How Work Saved Me From Postpartum Depressiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29928102013-04-02T08:29:40-04:002013-04-02T08:29:23-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
To many, it may feel like the awareness and understanding of postpartum depression (PPD) -- once a taboo subject -- has increased in recent years. Yet, too much about it is still not discussed, and certainly not candidly.
Maybe I'm generalizing, but the images that are conjured up by the mention of PPD are generally of mothers recovering from childbirth, struggling to bond with their newborns, and experiencing feelings of extreme sadness. Using my focus group of one, that's exactly what I thought of when someone brought up PPD. That is, until I went through it myself.
I was diagnosed with PPD almost two years ago. The difference? My diagnosis came when my son was 11 months old (and my twin boys were four), and three weeks after I started a new, full-time job.
Do the math: I suffered for 11 months before I was diagnosed. More than 330 days. In hindsight, I wonder if my difficulty in making sense of what was happening had something to do with those false images that I had of what PPD was and what it meant.
Click here to learn how this mom fought through her postpartum depression.
I feel like I need to put my experience into context for those who struggle to understand its reality. At the worst points (and there were many), I thought about killing myself every single day. I planned my funeral in detail. I cut off complete contact with everyone who was close to me. I was unable to contain severe overreactions to insignificant events, struggling not to lash out. At the time, my husband was travelling for work, four days a week. He knew something was wrong, but wasn't home enough to see how desperate the situation was. I was so far in that I truly couldn't see a way out.
I made the decision to go back to work on my own in the tenth month of this cycle. In hindsight, it seems crazy--at a time when everything was going so wrong and I was letting so many people down, why did it seem like a good idea to add another set of expectations to my plate?
Strangely, going back to work is a huge part of what pulled me through.
Somehow, I could hold it together extremely well in front of my colleagues. My achievements at the office, however small, and the feelings of adding value that came with my work, gave me a sense of confidence. Being surrounded by people who didn't know "that" side of my life freed me from the constant questions at home. Yes, there were still many times when I was in complete pieces, but, finally, I was in a place that showed me just how wrong everything before it had been, and it motivated me to ask for, and find, help.
Click here to learn how this mom dealt with postpartum depression after her miscarriage.
Nothing I've read says that this is the right path for everyone. Choosing to start a new job, while battling undiagnosed depression, and managing a family of three boys under five years of age sounds wrong, even to me. But I firmly believe that work saved me, my family, my marriage, and my life.
When I realized I needed help, I scoured the internet looking for examples that mirrored my experience. Trawling through countless discussion boards, blog posts, and very official medical sites, I couldn't find anything that spoke to my situation. "Baby blues" didn't reflect my reality. My baby wasn't even a baby anymore, he was walking. I couldn't find myself in the countless stories online of women at home in pajamas, struggling to get out of bed.
So, perhaps someone will read this and see themselves. Perhaps someone will read this and see someone close to them. Or, perhaps it will just help to change someone's view of postpartum depression. To understand just how difficult it is to pinpoint, to survive, and to recover from.
Postpartum depression is a serious disorder that clearly doesn't happen because of circumstances. But, strangely enough, changing my circumstances helped to stop it from ravaging my family.
I feel thankful every day for that.
More from YummyMummyClub.ca
So Who Gets Postpartum Depression? Supporting My Wife Through Postpartum Depression]]>Tips For Bringing Sex Back into Your Relationshiptag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29461582013-03-26T08:18:46-04:002013-03-26T08:18:25-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
Parents live in a very busy world of juggling work, children and home. Also our culture has become very child-focused, "what else can we do for our children?" What parents do not realize is that to be healthy functioning parents, we need to have a strong and healthy relationship. One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is intimacy.
Click here to learn how to make time for sex when you have young children.
Intimacy can be broken down in three ways:
Emotional intimacy: feeling attended to, heard by and understood and supported by our partners.
Physical intimacy: hugs, cuddles, touches, a look across the room.
Sexual intimacy: playful, fun, sexual acts that is exclusive to the couple.
All three levels of intimacy are important to the relationship and to the happiness of the couple. When these needs are met the individual is happy, the couple feels satisfied and they become stronger and better as parents.
So, how do we increase the amount of intimacy in our relationships when we have so little time? The following are a few ideas on how to make it happen.
The relationship is one of your priorities -- Accept and understand that being strong and healthy as a couple, makes you better parents.
Click here to learn how you can have great post-baby sex.
Schedule time without your kids: do not feel guilty doing this. Think of it as a way to better parenting.
Sex is important -- too often couples ignore this playful, fun activity.
Be empathetic to your partner -- Consider some of his or her needs and commit to meeting one of them regularly. It can be as simple as doing a chore for your partner or surprising your partner with her favourite chocolate bar.
Practice -- when you stop having sex for a while, it is NORMAL that it feels awkward. The more you practice, the more pleasure you have, the more motivated you are to practice some more.
Embrace changes in your body -- Women don't let changes in your body keep you from having sex. The majority of male partners continue to find their female partners' body sexy and attractive. Men tell your partners this often! Women be open to believing your partner when he tells you this!
Acknowledge you want more intimacy to your partner, talk to your partner about it, and make it a priority. Then practice, practice, practice!
]]>How My Bucket List Has Changed With Agetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28999302013-03-18T09:48:20-04:002013-05-18T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
It's a funny thing. As I get older my bucket list of things I still want to try seems to be shifting to the eccentric. I guess that's par for the course once you've lived seven decades and had the wonderful opportunity to try a lot of things. Seen the Eiffel Tower. Check! Was there the moment two grandchildren were born. Went to China to receive another. Check! Had my writing published in newspapers, mags, and online. Check!
I've already run a 10K race to celebrate my 65th birthday. I've lived on a farm and kept horses. My goal of circumnavigating the globe on the MV Explorer happened when I was 68 and I gave a keynote speech at a social media conference at 70.
But now the stuff I dream of doing seems to be changing. There's no longer a driving need for me to succeed. I simply hope to experience some offbeat stuff that I think will make my heart happy.
I want to be a clown and lead a parade. I want to be a volunteer policewoman and teach traffic safety to little ones in schools. I still want to study karate, and though I've tasted wine all over the world I yearn to pick the actual grapes during Fall harvest in Italy. I picture myself playing the flute deep in the Grand Canyon with eagles soaring overhead. I'm not kidding!
I'd love to believe that age doesn't matter and that nothing is impossible but I'm now much more acutely aware of my numbers and the passing of time.
Click here to learn why this mom took a vacation without her family.
The reality is that at almost 73, my bucket list of 'awesome stuff' can no longer be written in stone. That would be folly because it will constantly have to be adjusted and readjusted, time and time again. Instead, I now carry my wishes in my heart and make changes as my dreams and the realities of my age collide.
I may have mucked out horse stalls at 40 but with each year I'm seeing that certain physical tasks are becoming more and more difficult. I know that I'd better not wait until 80 to do that grape picking in Italy. Instead, I'll save 80 for learning how to play the flute (and hope that there's a way to get down into the Canyon without actually killing myself).
And then here's my very important 'Bucket List Biggie'--it's one that has remained a constant amongst me and my friends.
Click here to learn why it's never too late to start putting your needs and wants first.
I know there'll come a day when I am truly 'old' and can no longer live on my own. My daughters needn't worry about caring for me though; Mama has the whole thing covered.
If I am mobile and if I can think relatively straight I'm moving in with my community of like-minded, old, eccentric women whose bucket lists are as wild and crazy as mine is. One thing is certain. We're gonna rock that seniors joint!
P.S. Have you ever discussed bucket lists with your mom or the elder women in your family? Please do. I'll bet you'll uncover hopes and wishes you never knew about before.
P.P.S. I'd love to hear about your craziest (and not so crazy) bucket list dreams. C'mon, spill it!
I'm not an expert. I'm just a separated woman trying to shop for her toddler...and I've got to ask this question. What the hell are we teaching our kids?
Really.
This is not a post about gender roles. This is not a post about mass consumerism making Romero-type slow zombies out of our kids -- OK, maybe a little bit. This is a full blown rant about how messed up it is that we blitzkrieg market the institution of marriage to little girls without batting an eyelash, and then expect them to make sound decisions about sex, relationships and career later on in life as individuals.
Look, I get that some kids are maternal, paternal...nurturing. I understand the anthropological aspects of toys and how they can be amazing for social development. I get that there will always be a market for little dollies and playing house for both boys and girls. I know that at some point everyone fantasizes in varying degrees about finding their missing puzzle piece, and that may or may not involve putting a bath towel on your head and holding a curling brush as a bouquet as you envision the scene.
But do we have to reinforce it on a consumer level so early? Do we need toddlers to start thinking about what kind of wedding dresses they want? Aren't we past telling little girls that one of their dreams has to be marriage?
Click here to learn why this mom is asking marketing teams to leave her kids alone.
And let's clarify this before it gets murky. I personally think marriage (so long as everyone knows what they're getting into) is awesome. But I don't think it should be viewed as a prerequisite for having a fulfilling or successful life. That's what blows.
That and the fact that the 'till death do us part' marketing is vastly one-sided. When was the last time you saw a boy's toy in a tux? I'll give you a hint. It wasn't anything wedding related. I mean, it would be hilarious if every time they put out a boys toy they paired it with a random bride like they so often do with girls' toys and grooms, but nope, that doesn't seem to bring in the cash.
And what are the little boy protagonists of the now? Superheroes. OK, fine. I can handle that. But again with the one-sided positioning: girls don't get the message that it's OK to want to have a special, unique, skill. That it's cool to be deceptively strong and smart. That there is power in being different and special. That the world needs them to fulfil their destinies unless it's saying 'I do', riding side saddle, or getting a date to the prom. Hell, it's not OK for little girls to even want to be the awesome females on the same superhero continuum. Where is the big box retailer, kid-marketed Black Widow doll, Marvel? Where is Catwoman, DC?
Are you waiting until you design their wedding gowns? Finish the plastic moulds of their grooms?
Most importantly, why is my kid stuck looking at crap like this?
Why does she have to be given the message that she is no one unless she is part of a couple?
Luckily my kid is pretty unique. She sings Barbie princess songs with Ironman at bath time. She thinks that Spiderman is really pretty. She calls the Hulk 'Hulkie' and croons lovingly to pictures of him. She will put on a beautiful princess gown, play with her dinosaurs, and zoom around at warp speed, saying she can fly and that she's magic.
And I believe her.
Click here to learn why girls need role models with integrity.
I just don't want her to start thinking that she is somehow lacking because she's an incredible, strong, individual. I don't want her to start thinking that she is 'less than' because she doesn't have some guy in a tux giving her a context.
To be completely honest I don't know what's right. What's wrong. How much of marketing is reinforced with at home values or environment, or anything else.
But I do know I was seriously relieved to find this for her birthday.
And I hope I can teach her to take an invisible plane over a glass slipper any day.
]]>The Secret Of A Good Marriagetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28037992013-03-05T12:37:54-05:002013-05-05T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK!
There you have it, folks -- no 12-step program to wedded bliss and no sound-bite, Dr. Phil-worthy, pithy pointers. Just the facts. The cold, hard facts.
There is no "happily ever after" like the fairy tales, romance novels, and rom-com movies promised us. Nope. Not unless you are willing to work at having your own version of relationship utopia, that is -- and that equates to a daily mantra of "I will work HARD today to not shame, blame, or disrespect this person that I am married to." Sounds easy, right? Well, it's not. It's the hardest accomplishment in the world.
Like last night, when my four-year-old busted into my bathroom right after she finished dinner, as I sat doing my business (and enjoying five minutes of silent peace). Smelling her hamburger breath, I realized that her dad (a.k.a. my husband) had not given her the antibiotics that she is currently taking for a minor throat/sinus infection.
I asked her and she confirmed that, no, she had not had her medicine. Given my geo-location, I asked her to ask daddy to give her the medicine. While slightly irritated that said daddy had (A) allowed her to interrupt my bio break and (B) same said daddy had not remembered to give her the antibiotics on his own, I felt proud that I didn't voice my irritation, because marriage is HARD work and sometimes (okay, LOTS of times) you have to suck it up, princess, and keep your mouth shut.
Click here to learn five things you can do to keep your marriage strong.
Until daddy proceeds to ALSO enter the bathroom (apparently pooping is a spectator sport in our house) and ask me, "Where is her medicine?"
Now don't get me wrong, this could, in fact, be a legitimate question under certain circumstances -- like if he had just found out she was on antibiotics (he hadn't) or he hadn't yet given her any medicine from this bottle in the fridge (he had), or our daughter was at an age where she might actually get medicine in any form other than liquid that requires refrigeration (she isn't), or he was recovering from a partial lobotomy. Those kinds of legitimate reasons for asking such a question.
Being fluent in sarcasm as a second language, my first inclination was to spew at him, "In the microwave, of course!" in response to his question about the medicine's whereabouts. I have to admit, this is often the shape my responses take to questions of this calibre; however, mustering all the teeth marks my tongue could bear, I managed to say, in the fridge," with not a drip of sarcasm. THIS is the hard work I speak of. The daily chore of not going ape-poop crazy on your spouse for those annoying questions or habits that they've had since day one, even if you truly had no idea back on day one that on day 2,283 these questions and habits would have the ability to put you into a homicidal rage.
Of course, there is more to the hard work of marriage. I could write an entire blog unto itself on the types of hard work required to make a marriage successful, but I think you get the picture. There is constant communication, negotiation, compromise, forgiveness, tolerance, apology, and commitment required. It's hard, hard work. Every day. Not just when you feel like it, or when you are in a good mood. There is no sabbatical from working hard on your relationship. No vacation from the effort. Never mind the added stress and work of kids--that's a whole additional layer of mutual hard work.
Click here for creative ways to nurture your marriage.
Now, obviously there have to be some benefits to all this hard work, otherwise marriage as an institution would have died off centuries ago. Sheesh, just the purported extended life expectancy alone should be enough to warrant saying please and thank-you consistently, holding your breath and counting to ten every day as required, or even forgiving your spouse for leaving the patio door unlocked all night (as mine also did last night). After all, we all want the same treatment from one another. Give to get, reap what you sow, and all that jazz.
Would it be easier if we were all conditioned from a young age to understand the reality of marriage? If that were the case, the institution of marriage would have died off centuries ago. Perhaps believing in the fairy tale is what draws us all in to begin with, then we're already married once the reality occurs and we have no choice but to try to work it out. WORK it out. Hard work. Keep sluggin' away at it, day in, day out -- good days and bad days -- because just that little taste of the fairy tale that we get in the initial throes of fresh, new love keeps us going (similar to a crack addict after their first rush), continuously going back to it in the hopes that the passion fairy will revisit us.
For those who find my blog today too negative or pessimistic, have no fear -- I too believe in romance and moments of passion in long-term relationships. I am just too pragmatic and jaded by experience to invest in the theory that marriage is a happily-ever-after fairy tale. It's hard work. Worth the work? Absolutely, yes. But still hard work.
I often hear this when talking about discipline methods for children. The key word in this sentence is "okay." What is our definition of this term, and is "okay" really what we want for our children? We now have a greater understanding of the impact of spanking and yelling, and how it negatively affects a person throughout their adult life.
Before beginning this discussion, it is VERY important to not blame our parents or grandparents for using punishment as discipline. We aren't going to blame them, because they were doing what they needed to, given the war/post-war/depression environment. Our grandparents usually had lots of kids and needed to keep them safe, fed, and warm. Survival was the focus at that time in history, which created a family system that needed order and obedience.
To avoid repetition, the word "spanking" from here on will refer to any repeated punishment that scares a child, using fear as a motivator (hitting, shouting, belittling, name-calling, isolation, threats, etc.).
In order to understand the strong impact of spanking, we need to know a little bit about the brain. I am going to use an overly-simplified description of the brain areas, and suggest that if you would like to know more, pick up a copy of The Whole-Brain Child, by Dr. Dan Siegel. There are two areas of the brain to consider: the "primitive mind," which is located at the back, near the base of the skull, and the "rational mind," which is at the front, behind the forehead. I call the primitive mind the reaction centre, and the rational mind the response centre.
When a child is spanked, their reaction centre is activated. The child attempts to make sense of why she is being harmed, manage the confusion, and search for how to get out of the situation. The child has to figure out how to survive what is happening. When this occurs, the child is unable to think rationally or problem solve. If a parent continually uses spanking to direct a child, the reaction centre will continually be activated, and therefore become more developed.
The result of spanking is obedience (sometimes).
Click here to learn 8 alternatives to hitting your child.
You may be shouting, "YES! That's great!" But think for a moment -- obedience means caving to someone else's demands. Is raising a child who is scared into submission going to allow them to reach their highest potential? The cost of this obedience is often a chip on the shoulder, a general feeling that the world is out to get them, and a strong anger towards the person doing the spanking.
When someone who has felt forced to obey becomes an adult, that person often -- and usually without awareness -- tries to reclaim their lost power, by harming others.
Children who are spanked are at the highest risk for the following during their life: being a bully, experiencing sexual assault, marrying someone who will abuse them, and engaging in risk-taking behaviours. (Sexual assault risk increases, because they are more likely to obey a predator's commands than speak up or say, "Hey! You can't do that!")
Repeated punishment as discipline does NOT teach the following skills: how to let off anger, what to do with overwhelming sadness, how to communicate effectively, or something called "futility" -- the ability to accept and move on when something desired just isn't going to happen.
Due to the lack of these skills, children who are spanked are at a higher risk for the following when they become adults: divorce, hurting others, uncontrollable anger outbursts, addictions, and mental illness.
All the family Christmases, drives to soccer games, and vacations in the world still are not going to teach these valuable skills, which are lost in the process of punishment. I think this is what makes many of us feel guilty or not okay with looking honestly at how we were raised.
It is okay to really love our parents and be thankful for all they did give us, and at the same time understand that they may not have been aware of the results of their actions and just disciplined us the way everyone else did. We can both love our parents and disagree with the way they disciplined. Let's please try to disagree with them as kindly as we can. I haven't met a parent yet who woke up and said, "I really want to mess up my child."
Let's also be kind with ourselves. I know the pain of blowing up at my child when I just can't manage what they are doing or my own reaction. The hole made by my foot in my laundry room wall is there to remind me of the harm of reacting and taking too long to shift into my response centre.
Click here to learn why this mom never spanks her kids.
There is a difference between being firm and being scary.
So, how do we teach a child to respond instead of react? Don't spank them. The next step is to learn how to calm ourselves and guide children using clever language. This DOES NOT mean becoming a parenting doormat. Too many parents have gone to this extreme, because they know the pain of being punished themselves, but just don't know the alternatives.
Another key learning piece for us is how to shift from our reaction centre to our response centre. How can we shift from being a raging, angry jerk to a rational person who can problem solve and think clearly? This is a skill that needs to be learned.
There are MANY resources to teach parents how to make this shift and discipline a child through guidance, rather than punishment. I regularly post these resources on my Facebook and twitter (@andreanair) pages.
Spanking children may teach them to obey, but it does not teach them to think.
]]>How I Discovered My Husband's Affairtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.27163372013-02-19T12:14:49-05:002013-04-21T05:12:02-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
So, it's less than three weeks before Christmas. Friday night. Friends are winding down from their work week, decorating the tree with the kids, and maybe getting ready for a Christmas party.
I just learned of my husband's affair.
His birthday was just yesterday. He turned 47. After a simple dinner out with our kids, he indicated that his friends wanted to take him out. I was getting ready for bed. Something stopped me. Literally, stopped me. I made my way to his gym bag -- the gym bag I saw him rooting through earlier tonight. I picked it up and put it on the bed. I easily pushed some clothing aside, and laying on the bottom of the bag was a card. I picked it up. My heart beating. I read the cover and thought, "Wow! This must be my Christmas card. And he's being so romantic. Maybe I should put this down, so it will be more of a surprise." But I didn't put it down, and the surprise was on me. It was from Karen. Karen? Who's Karen? "Happy Birthday, Baby!" she wrote. "I know it's only been 3+ years, but it feels like a lifetime." My face is turning red. My heart is pounding. POUNDING! "We have shared so much. And SO deeply." What? I cannot comprehend what I am reading.
Click here to find out if your partner's online flirting is crossing the line.
The copy of the card is one that proclaims, "I love our story and how we met. Our secret codes, nicknames, music, and friends." It concludes with, "I hope our story never ends." It's signed "Karen," with a little heart beside it. I feel sick. My knees are going to buckle. This is a mistake. How did this girl Karen's card get in his bag? It's 11 p.m. My boys, aged eight and six (they just had birthdays, too), are sound asleep. I cannot run away. In fact, I cannot move. I sit on the bed holding the card. My family is miles away. My best friend, too. I call her. No answer. I call him, having no idea what I am going to say. No answer. I call my sister and her daughter answers and lets me know that her mom is not feeling well. I call my best friend again. I feel desperate. No answer. I call him. I get his voice mail. I read the card to it. Slowly. I enunciate. How can I be so clear-headed to read this card so calmly when my brain is spinning out of control?
I call his father. It's late. I ask if a Karen was at last night's business meeting in the city. "Yes," he says. His voice drops. "There was a Karen." Correction, I think. There IS a Karen. There is a Karen.
My sister calls. I am shaking. I read her the card. She is crying and saying, "No!" I am crying.
I never thought his birthday night would end like this. He gets the message and is home an hour later. Presumably, he had to sober up. He is detached. Barely emotional. He swears up and down that it has been over, physically, for one year. Bravo! But, they still talk. She became a "friend and a confidante." I want to spit at him. "It must be more than that," I scream, "to get this card! Either you are still carrying on, or she is delusional." He swears it is the latter.
Click here to read how this mom created a more powerful and peaceful life after her divorce.
You have to know that his parents split due to infidelity. He swore to me (swore!) that he would never cheat. Never. But he has. This "good guy" that everyone loves. Everyone respects, and looks up to, has deceived me. He swears now that he has always loved me. Always wanted me. That I am the "cornerstone," the "future." That this was not real. Am I on Oprah's couch?
She has known him only 3+ years, she writes. Only. To me, this is our kids being five and three. To me, he seemed distracted and elated to leave for a business trip. To me, this is a time when we were going to counselling, because I thought something "was off." To me, this is a lifetime.
]]>Do I Have a Right to Tell My Kids' Stories?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26616372013-02-11T12:31:16-05:002013-04-13T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
Lately I've been struggling with writing about my boys. When I first started blogging they were young, a toddler and baby. The stories I told may have been about them but they also were mine. When they didn't sleep through the night, it was also about my own sleep deprivation. When they fought, it included my frustration.
Now they are older, boys with opinions and experiences all their own and those stories no longer belong to me -- they belong to them.
Click here to read why this mom thinks blogging makes her a better parent.
For the past year if I've written about either of them I have asked them to read it before I hit publish, they get to decide if it will be put out there. But now that's not sitting comfortably with me either. They are children who have no idea what the ramifications are of me writing their stories for the world to see, stories that will be out there forever. I'm an adult and I don't really know the ramifications myself. This is the first generation of kids growing up whose lives have been lived on the Internet -- the good, the bad, the funny, the sad -- it's all out there. And none of us has any idea how it will affect them as adults or if there will be any consequences at all.
I feel it's unfair of me to put them in the position of saying yes or no to something that may or may not have an impact on them in the future. Already my oldest is Googling himself. Right now he's proud of his stories but I wonder if that will be the case when he is an adult. Or when his future employer Googles him.
Click here to read why this dad finds it hard to "expose" himself on the Internet.
I don't know. I'm struggling. Struggling with whether I should continue to write about my boys. Being a mother is a fundamental part of who I am. How do I write about being a mother without including the two children I'm raising?
I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I've spoken with other mothers who are at this crossroad as well. It was easy when they were babies and toddlers, but now? Now their stories are their own and I wonder if by writing those stories, I'm taking something I have no right to.
]]>Why We Chose to Stop at One Childtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26128562013-02-05T07:06:50-05:002013-04-07T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
About three months after the birth of our first baby, Madeline, the reality of life as a mom really hit me. I was part frantic and part overwhelmed. I had a very rewarding career, and was anxious to return to it while balancing motherhood. Within three months of becoming a mom, I realized this was not possible. People started asking when we were going to start working on baby number two. I hadn't even gotten my head around life with baby number one! Even my doctor suggested we get moving soon, because at my age, the opportunity was dwindling, so we had to act fast if we wanted another child.
We had always imagined a family with two children... until the baby blues hit. And then postpartum. The first few months of motherhood compromised my sanity and my marriage. I didn't know if I -- or we -- would pull through. I missed my career. I love my baby beyond words, but life was starting to feel a bit mind-numbing. I needed a light at the end of my tunnel.
Click here to read why this mom questions whether it is unfair to have only one child.
A week before my due date, a test revealed that something may have been missed, and our baby may be unhealthy. The week between the results of the first test and the second were the longest of our lives. The second test returned healthy and positive results, although we were still nervous. When my husband exclaimed, "It's a girl!" and added, "A very healthy girl!" I could breathe again. Could we go through this again? Could we live through the unknown?
Maddie slowly developed into a little person. We were in awe of her newly developed skills and talents. Why jeopardize our new-found routine and happiness? Would I still feel balanced and happy if we had to go through it again? And who were we having another child for -- Maddie or ourselves?
Click here to read how this family ensures their only child is never lonely and always loved.
I'm sad my daughter won't have a sibling; however, I have one brother and we aren't very close. I do have a big family, though -- my family consists of those who are friends and even cousins who I am very close to. They are my siblings and my allies. What if we weren't so lucky the second time? An unhealthy pregnancy and baby could mean a lot of stress, and I would definitely have a super-human struggle to balance a career and family that is functioning happily and peacefully.
When it comes to having a second child, we've decided to let that ship sail. I know my capabilities, and I would rather be a great mom to Maddie than a stressed-out and exhausted mom to two. I fully admire the women who can do it. No one but another mother can really appreciate just how hard they work. To my daughter, I must apologize -- mommy chose sanity over a sibling. At least you won't have to split your allowance.
]]>Sex And Other Things That Help Control Mommy Ragetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.25689882013-01-29T12:12:31-05:002013-03-31T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
When this scene happened with my oldest son two years ago, I joined him shrieking, "Stop it! Stop yelling! AHHH! Time out!" On one particularly good explosive tantrum, I actually kicked a hole in the wall -- on purpose -- and I couldn't stop myself. Yup, I'm a psychotherapist that knows anger management!
Click here to read how this mom stays calm during stressful parenting moments.
Yesterday, though, I calmly smiled, walked over to my son who was turning pinky-purple, and said, "It's your job to calm down. If you want help, I'll be over there." Walking purposefully to the sofa, I scooped up my older son and played with him there. The yelling escalated, so I looked at my younger son, pointed at my ears, made an "OW!" face, and took my older son into the nearby bathroom, closing the door.
Now, I should say that my kids know that it is their job to calm down, and I'll remove myself from the room if my head starts ringing from the noise. As expected, my youngest boy stood outside shrieking, but then he suddenly stopped. The moment it was quiet, I asked, "You all calm now? Can I come out?" His little voice quivered, "Yeah." Face full of snot, he reached his shaking arms out for me as we left the bathroom.
Click here to learn the cost of spanking your child.
I'd have to say that the five most important things I did to get from raging-freaking-out-mommy to keeping-it-cool-mommy were:
Have more sex with my husband (shhh, don't tell him I said that).
Think about what I needed to do for more fun in my life, and make time for that (enjoy concerts, dance, be an idiot).
Have time to rest and for self-reflection/journaling (about what was pushing my buttons).
Make a schedule to fit in all of the above with raising my kids, writing, eating well.
Find good, non-punitive discipline tools.
So, the calm-mom formula working for me is:
Tools + Sex + Fun + Rest = less freaking out for all of us!
]]>Six Ways to Deal With Your Picky Eatertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.25176212013-01-21T17:38:36-05:002013-03-23T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
Most parents worry about their child's nutritional intake at one point or another, especially when they are dealing with a picky eater. I see this almost daily in my practice -- the conundrum of picky eating. Know that you are not alone -- almost every child a will go through a picky eating phase, if not many. As frustrating and worrisome as it is, it's normal. And nine times out of 10, your child is eating a more well-balanced diet throughout the week than you think. So take a deep breath, and read on for some tips on how to deal with your little picky eater...
1. Respect your child's appetite fluctuations:
Just like your appetite changes from day to day and meal to meal, so does your little one's. If you notice that your child is cueing that he or she is full or not interested any more, even after a few bites, don't force-feed and pressure him or her to keep going. Your toddler is respecting his or her hunger and fullness cues and so should you. Children are naturally very intuitive eaters, so as frustrating as it is to watch your gourmet meal go to waste, calmly remove it, stick it in a Tupperware container and save it for later.
2. Establish a routine:
Establish a routine so that meal and snack timing is fairly consistent from day to day. This way your toddler will begin to know and expect when meal and snack times are. It will allow him or her to be hungry at meals (but not starving) and also know that if he or she doesn't finish the meal, there will be another chance to eat in a few hours. Because small children have small stomachs, they should ideally be offered three meals and two or three snacks per day so that they are eating every few hours. Don't let eating be a free-for-all -- it will exhaust you and your toddler will start to learn that he is in charge (YOU should be in charge of timing). As Ellyn Satter, RD (Guru in feeding children) teaches, you as the parent are in charge of what, where and when your toddler or small child eats and the toddler is in charge of whether and how much he or she eats. I know it would be so much easier if we were in charge of everything, but unfortunately, we're not. Also, offer water in between meals and milk at or just after meals (otherwise they may fill up on milk right before their meal and not have much of an appetite).
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Click here for 7 after-school snacks your kids will love.
3. Let your child explore new foods, pressure-free:
Part of becoming comfortable with a particular food is exploring it. When you see your child playing with, mushing up, or smearing food all over his or her highchair, consider it a way of your toddler learning more about the food and becoming comfortable enough with it to put it in his or her mouth. My son often tries a new food but then spits it out, only to put it back in his mouth if it is up to his satisfaction. Lovely, I know. It's his way of feeling safe with it though, so we are trying to just go with it. Sometimes it ends up on the floor, in his hair, or smeared on his highchair, but that's all part of it I guess! You don't want to pressure your child into eating something that he or she is not yet totally comfortable with--the more you pressure, the more she will be turned off (children are smarter than we think!). Allow a warming-up period. Let your baby, toddler, or child try new foods without pressure.
4. Don't use food as a reward or punishment:
Once you start rewarding your child with certain foods, or praising your child for eating other foods, you are starting to teach your toddler to associate certain foods as "good" and certain as "bad." If you praise your children for eating broccoli, they is going to start to wonder what the big deal is...and then if you reward them with a cookie (after they've finished their broccoli), they will soon come to learn that cookies are the sought after "yummy" food and broccoli is "yucky."
Click here for a healthy and fun breakfast your kids will devour.
5. Don't stop serving new or rejected foods:
It may take up to 20 tries before your toddler accepts a new food. I know that it's tempting to skip right to the accepted and safe food at meal times -- trust me -- but he is not going to learn or have the opportunity to become comfortable with a food unless it's introduced many times in a pressure-free environment. It's frustrating and may feel like a waste, but it's key to molding a balanced healthy eater. Try serving new or previously rejected foods with accepted, safe foods -- your child may warm up to them quicker this way. And a quick note on vegetables: if your child refuses to eat vegetables (which is common), know that she is likely receiving similar nutrients from fruit (phewf!). That being said, continue to offer a variety of veggies in different shapes, textures, and colours.
6. Model healthy eating:
It's important that your child sees that you enjoy a variety of foods every day so that he or she will start to learn that this is normal. Family meals are key -- at least one a day. Try not to hover over your children while they're eating. Imagine someone doing that to you! Try instead to include them in the family conversation and treat them the same as everyone else (even though every part of you wants to hover over them and shove food in their mouth).
If you're really concerned about your toddler's or preschooler's picky eating habits and nutritional intake, keep a one-week food dairy. Most toddlers will not let themselves go hungry. If they fall short on calories one day, they will likely make up for it the next day. Throughout the course of a day, you may worry that your toddler is only eating one or two foods. But over the course of a week, they are likely eating a more balanced diet than you thought. The point is, it would be unusual if your toddler wasn't a picky eater to some extent. Try not to obsess or stress about it (trust me, I know it's hard). Most picky toddlers grow to accept and eat a variety of foods. If you're concerned about your toddlers growth or development, consult your doctor or a dietician to explore further.
More from YummyMummyClub.ca Playing "Food Police" With Your Kids? When Your Child Will Not Eat]]>25 Ways To Be Green In 2013tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24681912013-01-14T09:01:32-05:002013-03-16T05:12:02-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/No matter what shade of green you may be, the following list will hopefully give you some inspiration on how to make some eco-friendly changes for both your family and the environment:
Blog continues below slideshow...
Reduce: The less stuff you buy, the less stuff you have to throw out -- it's as simple as that. Check out The Story of Stuff.
Reuse: Upcycle the things you would have normally thrown out. Glass jars, tin cans, and even old clothes can be given new life using these upcycled craft ideas.
Recycle: If you don't already participate in your city's blue, black, and green bin programs, check out your city's website to find out how to get started.
Use reusable bags: The hardest thing about using reusable bags is remembering to bring them with you!
Click here for a quick tip on how to store your reusable bags.
Buy smarter light bulbs: Switch out your regular light bulbs for compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulbs. On average, CFLs use 80 per cent less energy than regular incandescent bulbs. When you are ready to dispose of them, be sure to do it properly.
Use non-toxic cleaners - Switch out your toxic household cleaners to those that are safer.
Buy better body care products: Switch your body care products -- lotions, shampoo, conditioner, makeup -- to safer natural and organic products. Not sure about ingredients or even where to start? Shop at a store that has done the research for you up front and don't be afraid to ask questions.
Use less plastic: Purchase products that are plastic-free and have minimal packaging.
Conserve water: Turning the water off when you brush your teeth, and doing only full loads of laundry, are just two ways to cut down on water consumption. Here are 98 more.
Do your laundry in cold water: It's a myth that hot water cleans clothes better. It's not a myth that hot water uses unnecessary energy. Going forward, use cold water, and the only difference you will notice is in your energy bill.
Compost: This one may be a bit intimidating, but it's simpler than you may think. The results will provide you with rich dirt for your garden.
Garden: If you have the space, plant a vegetable garden this spring. It's a great project to do with the kids, and in the end, the garden will produce healthy fruits and vegetables for your family to enjoy. Don't have the space for a garden? Try an indoor herb garden.
Click here the learn how to build a garden with kids.
Teach your kids about the environment: When we teach our kids about the importance of taking care of our earth, the actions and the knowledge will be carried with them all their lives. Use age-appropriate projects and crafts to make it interactive, interesting, and fun.
Use a DivaCup: Ladies, I know. It's intimidating and a little scary, but once you start using the DivaCup each month, you'll wonder why it took you so long. Seriously.
Choose online billing: Opt out of your paper bills and subscribe to e-billing.
Buy local: Support your local economy and your local small business owners -- both online and brick and mortar. Shopping close to home vs. shopping at a big box store that brings their products in from overseas makes a difference when fuel, energy, and time are considered.
Buy a stainless steel water bottle: Invest in a sturdy, good looking, stainless steel bottle, and ditch the plastic bottles for good.
Unplug chargers and small appliances: Did you know that most of your chargers, electronics, and appliances still use energy even though they are not being used? Unplug anything that is not in use to avoid "leaking electricity."
Meal plan: Making a meal plan each week usually leads to healthier choices and less mid-week gas guzzling runs to the store to pick up forgotten items.
Dispose of your electronics properly: You can find e-waste bins at most electronic retailers. Also, check with your city to see if they hold e-waste drop-off days.
Opt out of junk mail: By law, Canada Post must deliver all mail addressed to you, but to cut down on the unaddressed junk mail, simply place a sign on your mailbox that says "no junk mail." If you receive your mail in a community mailbox, secure a no junk mail note in your box, so the mail person can see it each time. See the Canada Post website for more info.
Do you have any green ideas to add? Are there any things in this list that you don't already do, but will start doing this year?
More from YummyMummyClub.ca Health Kick Water Learning Through Nature]]>Should You Change For Your Marriage?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24270702013-01-09T10:21:40-05:002013-03-11T05:12:01-04:00Yummy Mummy Clubhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yummy-mummy-club/
He was very impressive, very handsome, and very grown up. He had a collection of letters after his last name that I couldn't keep up with. I immediately felt an urge to stir up his life.
I fell deeply in love, but I wasn't enough the way I was.
I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.
He's right, I thought.
I'm too childish. I should grow up.
He doesn't eat Lucky Charms. Or read comics. Or watch cartoons. Or like messes.
He doesn't cry or laugh or talk passionately about things (unless they're important adult things).
"It's time to grow up, Kat," he said. "It's time I got my head out of the clouds and became 'realistic' about life."
So, I put my comic books away. I stopped talking about music and art. I tempered my excitement about creativity. I talked instead about business strategy, logistics, and scalability issues.
I became a very impressive person.
I wore a suit to work every day.
I became an executive.
My relationship flourished.
Sometimes, though, if I listened very closely, I'd feel this terrible ache -- this unsettled stirring in my gut. It made me weep with loneliness, and yell in rage.
Click here why you sometimes need to explode after a break-up.
Whenever I'd indulge in this part of me, we'd fight. The horrible static that hung in the air for hours after would weigh on my chest. I'd feel shame.
"I'm ruining the relationship. I have to stop acting like this. I need to be more disciplined and more practical," I thought.
So, I would tighten the vice on my heart and change again.
It worked.
I was so practical that when we got married, I didn't even have the wedding I had dreamed of my whole life.
I was so disciplined that I never let him know about my faults or my past, and he never would, because I edited my life into crisp, concise anecdotes that I fed him at every turn.
I had completely changed.
And when that other, messy, unruly, passionate girl would try and get out, it was so much easier to control her now.
Because I was now his wife.
I did everything that a good wife is supposed to do.
I did everything I thought was right.
I gave up my career. I helped him with his business. I made dinner every night. I did the laundry. I stepped back, so he could step forward.
Then one day, I became a mother. I had a beautiful little girl. And the walls came tumbling down.
This little girl ignited the wonderment in my life again. Her reactions were pure and unfiltered and beautifully real. She cried. She laughed. She acted out.
She reminded me to live in the moment. To ask, "Why not?" I could feel life trickling back into my heart. I started writing again. I started seeing in colour again.
And when I did, I started seeing that things couldn't stay the same way.
For a long time, I fought my feelings. I tried to be happy with the way things were.
But that passionate, creative self I'd buried deep inside kept coming to the surface. She kept saying and doing things differently. She challenged everything. I hated her so much for ruining everything, but at the same time, I realized how much I'd missed her.
Click here how this mom let go of her divorce guilt.
I tried to fight the inevitable changes that were coming, but they had their own momentum.
The more I accepted myself and grew to love who I was as a whole, the more my relationship with my husband suffered.
And then it broke.
He was a good husband. He was happy with the way things were. He had only ever been himself.
His dreams had all come true with this person -- this person who wasn't actually me.
It wasn't his fault. It wasn't mine either.
If I could have only actually been the person I was trying so hard to be, I could have saved the marriage.
