Dr. Peggy Drexler

Dr. Peggy Drexler 2013-05-20T01:42:06-04:00 Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.quebec.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=peggy-drexler Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Dr. Peggy Drexler Good old fashioned elbow grease. The Breadwinner Complex: Are Women Apologizing For Earning More Than Their Husbands? tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3297985 2013-05-18T09:35:49-04:00 2013-05-18T09:35:44-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
For a while -- and logistically, at least -- the new arrangement worked out great. But slowly, surely, Lori began to notice a growing feeling of uncertainty. She found herself working 10 hours days and returning home to face a pile of dirty laundry and kids looking to her to make dinner. She got defensive when friends described James as "out of work," as if they considered him a slacker husband. But the hardest part, she reported, was how she very often felt like she had to downplay her own economic contributions to the household and be supportive and nurturing while offering her husband reassurances that she still valued his masculinity. "I wanted him to feel important and valued because I loved him," she said. "But I had to ask myself: Am I really apologizing for making more money?"

As more and more women enter -- and remain in -- the workplace, an increasing number of them have found themselves the primary earners for their households. The Pew Research Project reports that the share of wives whose income topped their husbands' rose from 4 percent in 1970 to 22 percent in 2007. But while men seem to welcome the existence of dual income households, and marriages marked by (mostly) shared responsibilities, there's a hitch: The guys still want to be the primary breadwinner. That is, she can bring home the bacon, so long as it's not all of it.

Or even most of it. A study in the journal Sex Roles found that although the younger generation of men tends to be more accepting of women's work roles, they are reluctant to accept her role as co-provider, which echoes a study by the Council on Contemporary Families that found that although the social pressures that once discouraged women from working outside the home have fallen, the pressure on husbands to be the primary earner remain. A 2008 report by the Families and Work Institute, meanwhile, noted that traditional clear-cut gender roles are giving way to a "new normal" that is both more egalitarian and challenging: One study conducted by the center found that 60 percent of men in dual-income marriages report work/family conflict, up from 35 percent in 1977.

The fact is that even among the most liberated, 21st century couples, there remains a hardwired expectation that the man will earn more money than the woman. When he doesn't, tensions can arise between alpha women and beta males. Nicole, a high-powered magazine editor, found this to be the case with her husband, Peter, an artist who worked part-time at a coffee shop. ("Mostly for the camaraderie and free coffee," she told me.) When he lost that job and decided to focus full time on his art, Nicole struggled with being understanding, supportive -- and concerned with his feeling emasculated when he had to ask her for extra cash -- and believing that he could likely find a job if he'd only try. She also found herself relying on Peter's attentiveness. "I did want dinner waiting when I got home. And for the bills to be paid. And the sink to not be piled with dirty dishes," she said. "I didn't necessarily want a thank you for going to work -- I loved work, and I could not imagine giving it up -- and I never took his attentiveness for granted, but I did expect it." On a rational level, Nicole knew it was a positive thing that she had the opportunity to earn as much as she did, and to be a part of the move toward gender equality in the workplace. She did not choose to marry Peter because she expected him to be her meal ticket, and loved that he was passionate about his art. On an emotional level, though, she wanted him to out earn, or at least match, her. "I didn't want constant validation," she said. "But I did want occasional validation."

Peter, on the other hand, grew increasingly depressed. He tried not to resent Nicole's income -- it was, after all, what afforded him the ability to survive without a job of his own -- but he couldn't help but feel like a second class citizen in his own home. This is common: In Breadwinner Wives and the Men they Marry, Randi Minetor writes that many unemployed or under-earning men feel wounded by what they see as their diminished status. Their self-esteem can suffer. Through her Bread and Roses Project, which tracks couples in the U.S. and Canada in which women are the primary breadwinners, Carleton University professor Andrea Doucet found that men can struggle with the social expectation that husbands should always be the breadwinner, and that "you can't just reverse the genders."

Which is why for many women, financial power hasn't quite created the balance they were hoping for. Many breadwinning women report feeling serious financial pressure -- something men have been feeling for years. At the same time, it's likely that as time progresses, we'll see a tendency of spouses to pass the primary breadwinner title back and forth -- the manifestation of true equity in marriage. Until then, Lori summed up the current state quite well: "Just as I struggled with how to go back to work after kids and still feel like I'm fulfilling my maternal duties, he struggles with what it means, as a man, to not go back. We're both asking the same question -- who are we? -- and looking for the same validations. But we're the same people we always were."

This first appeared on Forbes.com]]> Why Go Back to Work After the Baby tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3259258 2013-05-11T11:18:51-04:00 2013-05-11T11:18:54-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
The notion of the "working mom" is always a hot button topic -- for mothers and others -- and the current discourse is no different, rife with varying opinions, inner conflicts, self-induced guilt, and, inevitably, much judgment. The term "working mother" itself carries a sniff of disapproval and feint praise -- no one debates the notion of the "working father," after all. Women tend to feel scrutinized no matter what they choose, and often depending on whom their friends are -- and what decisions those friends make for themselves. It's become a political issue, with some Republicans arguing that only poor moms should work, and some Democrats arguing that wealthy moms who choose to stay home with their kids are self-indulgent. Pop culture is similarly divided: In her much-discussed book Lean In, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg writes that women can "have it all," though not long before, Princeton professor and former director of policy planning for the U.S. State Department Anne-Marie Slaughter, writing in The Atlantic, argued the exact opposite.

Of course, whether or not to pursue a career, or hold a job outside of the home, is a very personal and entirely individual decision that depends on many, many factors. But so much of the advice geared towards women who choose to go back to work, including Sandberg's, focuses on how they can learn to accept the sacrifices, some bigger than others, that necessarily go along with working while raising children. Instead, I'd argue that in many cases, going back to work is not a sacrifice at all but the best decision a woman can make not only for herself, but also for her family.

Like in Julie's case. Though she always imagined that she'd be content with days spent entertaining and teaching kids, driving them to activities and play dates and, most importantly, simply watching them grow, she realized that she felt she'd lost a great sense of who she was in completely abandoning the side of her that had worked so hard for so long. And that just because she could stay home didn't mean she should. "I began to miss the satisfaction that earning, and achieving, gave me," she said. "Of course, raising a child was incredibly satisfying, too. But it didn't satisfy all of me." This is common, especially as more and more working women take on leadership roles and positions of great power. Those who spent years fighting to achieve workplace equality often find that forgoing career for motherhood can feel like a personal betrayal.

Or, at least, a life they wouldn't necessarily want for their own daughters. Sara, a mother of two children under 6, left her job as an editor at a New York publishing house to stay home with the children. She loved her new life, having so much quality time with her children, being their greatest influence. "Until the day when my older daughter came home from kindergarten with a drawing of what she wanted to be when she grew up," said Sara. "And it was me -- a mother. She wanted to be a mom. I wasn't touched -- I was humiliated. 'That's not all I am,' I wanted to tell her. But more, I just desperately wanted 'more' for her. I was like, 'I'm not sacrificing my career to be the perfect mother so that you can grow up and stay home!' And yet that's exactly what I had done." A year later, she went back to work.

That's not at all to say that stay-at-home moms can't, or shouldn't, be role models for their daughters. But while many opponents to working motherhood argue that working moms miss out on much of the opportunity to shape and influence their children, many working mothers know that their personal achievements of any kind -- from schooling to the workplace -- will help rather than hinder their kids. Mothers who pursue professional and personal achievements teach their children the value of independence, perseverance, having a strong work ethic, and doing something you love. These mothers also understand that no parent -- be it mom or dad -- should be all things at all times to his or her child (in fact, even mothers who stay home should actively seek out other role models for their children).

Going back to work post-baby is also, for many, a matter of health. A 2011 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology looking at more than 1300 mothers across the U.S. found that working mothers reported fewer symptoms of depression and were more likely to rate their health "excellent" as compared with non-employed mothers. In this same study, working mothers also reported being just as involved in their child's schooling as stay-at-home moms, while those who worked part-time provided more learning opportunities for their toddlers than those who didn't work at all. The lesson? The kids will be all right -- maybe even better -- when mom puts herself if not first, then pretty close to the top of the priority list.

And let's not forget fathers' contributions to parenting. The number of stay-at-home dads -- about 154,000, according to the 2010 Census -- is on the rise, with an estimated 16 percent of preschoolers being cared for by Dad while Mom is at work. So is the number of female breadwinners, according to the Pew Research Center. Studies show that this new generation of dads views family as the center of their lives -- and that's a very good thing. At the very least, it means that the discourse is about to change. And that if we're going to talk about working mothers, we'll soon be talking about working fathers, too. It's about time.

This first appeared on hellogiggles.]]> Parent Fail: How to Talk to Kids About Your Own Setbacks tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3214986 2013-05-04T11:23:54-04:00 2013-05-05T12:03:37-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
When adults face disappointments, such as losing a job, having financial or legal issues, leaving a spouse (or being left), or some other personal setback, it's tempting to want to shield kids from worry and tell them nothing. Many parents might avoid telling kids out of shame or embarrassment; as Joanna said, "Aren't I supposed to be the one he can look up to?" But looking up to someone doesn't mean believing they are infallible, or immune to disappointments. What's more, kids are uncannily good at reading between the lines. They might not know what's happening, exactly, but they know something's happening -- and the uncertainty can be as scarey and anxiety provoking as the truth. Feeling like you're holding back information that's crucial to their lives can also give them reason to question their trust in you.

The upside is that mistakes -- and how parents handle them -- can provide a valuable opportunity for learning. Disappointments and difficulties are an inevitable and universal fact of life; helping kids both recognize this fact and the fact that life still goes on is an important lesson in resilience and what it looks like to support one another. A family setback handled well can help children learn that failure or disappointment isn't something to fear but, in fact, something both normal and surmountable.

At home, Joanna was straight with Max. "I told him that losing my job was unexpected but that Mommy's boss had decided to hire someone else," she said. "I let him know that it was normal to be nervous, but that I wasn't, and that I had a plan in place. And, mostly, that we'd be okay." As the weeks went on, Joanna let Max in on her job search and was a little more mindful of their spending but otherwise kept the family's routines consistent. And when she landed a new position at a design firm, she took Max out to dinner and ice cream. "I told him that I couldn't have made it through this time without his support," she said. "And I meant it."

A few strategies to keep in mind when talking to kids about adult setbacks:

Let them in -- and tell them the plan. If you're angry or scared about something that's going on, let them know. But, like in the case of Joanna and Max, also let them know what you're going to do about it and include them in the process of problem solving. At the same time don't give kids information they don't need or aren't requesting. "We don't have enough money to pay the mortgage this month" isn't something to share.

Encourage them to talk about their fears. If your child expresses worry, don't tell them everything's going to be okay and be done with it. Instead, engage them in conversations about what worries them and what you can do to help them feel better.

Reassure -- but don't sugarcoat. Optimism is important, but being overly positive can backfire. When Sarah and Matt realized that filing for bankruptcy meant they'd lose the house, they sat their three kids down. "We told them everything was going to be okay, but that what was happening wasn't good, and not what we wanted," Sarah said. "But we also told them about changes we'd already started to make as a family regarding spending, because that did affect them, too." And we let them know that we'd always have a place to live, thanks to Grandma and Papa, who'd agreed to let us move in for a while." Sarah and Matt also talked more with their kids about money, since the couple knew it was their own overspending that had gotten the family into trouble. "We used it as an opportunity to not only pare down, but talk to the kids about why, in the end, 'stuff' mattered less than family," Matt said. "We were also frank with them: This is happening because Mommy and Daddy spent more money than they made. We didn't try to shift the blame."

When Maria's husband, Leo, was pulled over for drinking and driving, Maria sat down 10-year-old Sam for an honest conversation. "I wanted to tell him how angry I was with Leo, but I knew that wasn't helpful," Maria remembered. "So instead I said, 'Daddy made a terrible mistake. We're very lucky no one was hurt. But just as you get into trouble when you do something wrong, so has he.' I was honest and factual." The message wasn't that Daddy is a bad person, but that Daddy made a bad choice. Added Maria, "I wanted Sam to know that his father was dealing with the consequences of a choice he made, and that everyone is accountable for their decisions."

Don't jump ahead. Cross bridges when you come to them. You can prepare kids for realities without taking them to the worst-case scenario. If Daddy faces legal trouble, don't say, "Daddy might have to go to jail." Instead, share on the information that's certain and let them know that if things don't work out there are other strategies you can use, that many possibilities exist for getting through.

Take care of yourself. The best way to teach kids that life goes on is to show them. If fighting or tense conversation increase between parents, have those arguments out of earshot of the kids; don't get angry or raise your voice in their presence. Be mindful of your lifestyle habits -- in times of stress, many people can turn to alcohol as a way to cope. And above all be consistent. Everyday changes can cause a child to feel anxious, so do your best to make the child's routine changes as little as possible. Don't go easier on rules or lower boundaries. Consistency is important, and reassuring, in good times as well as not-so-good times. Making life as predictable as possible will help kids deal with change -- and help you deal as well.]]> Disciplining Without Shaming tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3146685 2013-04-24T10:22:00-04:00 2013-04-24T10:22:02-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
Each time, Lisa would remind Harry of the rule, and direct him to another activity. "And then one day he threw a baseball right at the television," Lisa told me, still in shock weeks later. "I flew into a rage. I ran into the living room, shards of glass everywhere, and just screamed: 'Are you kidding me? What were you thinking?!'" She knew it was likely not the best response -- it certainly didn't feel good -- but, she said, she just didn't know how to classify her typically bright son's behavior as anything but completely idiotic.

Which, of course, is the message Lisa sent to Harry through her outburst, and with her words, which were meant to -- and did -- shame him, whether that was her intent or not. "Beyond the fact that he'd ignored my very consistent rule about playing with balls inside, I couldn't believe he had been so dumb," Lisa said. "But looking back, I can see he was as stunned with the events as I was. It was an avoidable accident, for sure, but a terrible accident nonetheless."

Harry, for his part, burst into tears, ran to his room, and slammed the door.

It's often difficult for parents to know how to address disappointment, especially in cases where older kids "really should know better," like in the case of Harry. But it's important to remember that while discipline is crucial during all stages of raising a child, discipline is not about getting even, inducing guilt, or even punishing -- all of which are forms of shaming a child. Instead, disciplining, at any age, is about correcting and guiding him toward more appropriate behavior.

Often when we talk about shaming, we talk about the obvious forms: spanking or other physical punishments, public reprimand. But there are other, subtler ways that parents shame their children in the pursuit of discipline. These include making a child feel guilty, deficient, or "bad"; a source of trouble; just plain dumb. It can include belittling a child, or even something as seemingly benign as rolling your eyes at him or sighing in response to something he's done. Comments might include "You're acting like such a baby," or "You'd lose your head if it weren't glued on!" Oftentimes, shaming can happen in front of others, but it's just as likely to happen in private between parent and child. As a form of behavior modification, though, shaming -- whether obvious or subtle -- is ineffective and even destructive.

That's because since most kids can't distinguish between their impulses -- their actions -- and their selves, instead of condemning the behavior, shaming ends up condemning the child, and making him feel bad about himself.

It's important to recognize that discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline is necessary. Punishment is not. In most cases, misbehavior among toddlers and young kids isn't something that requires punishing but, instead, some understanding and a frank parent-child discussion. Many kids will act out as a cry for attention or for firmer limits. Most kids -- especially boys -- have an impulse to push boundaries while also needing to know that they'll be reigned in. Others act out as they learn how to get their desires met; all kids, at one point or another, will express a feeling or need in a socially unacceptable way. The job of the parent is to help kids develop positive strategies for expressing those feelings and needs, and set their own limits, part of which includes learning about consequences.

Recently, Renee found 7-year-old Tyler watching television, a half-eaten lollipop sitting, unwrapped, on the couch next to him, slowly forming a red circle on the light gray suede. "It was so unbelievably outrageous that my first words were, 'Hello? What do you think you're doing?'" Renee remembered. "I wasn't intending to make him feel stupid, although it was an incredibly stupid thing he did. I wanted to wake him up and make him see how unlike him this was." What the comment likely made Tyler feel, however, was small and insignificant. What Renee might have said instead is something like, "Tyler, I feel disappointed that you didn't think about what might happen if you put the wet lollipop on the couch. You should know that the couch will now need to be cleaned." Or even, "I wonder what made you decide to put the lollipop on the couch?"

Instead of seeking to change Tyler's behavior by making him feel shame, Renee might have talked to him to find out why he acted as he did, while also letting him know the consequences: how his actions make others feel, the effects of his behavior. Maybe he was acting out. Maybe he was upset about something and feeling distracted. Approaching such a situation as a discussion, and not a reprimand meant to intimidate or cause fear, can be a chance for parent and child to connect. Which is why positive discipline ends up being much more effective than shaming, quilting, or belittling both now and later. Even the most "loving" forms of punishment often come across as judgments and intensify feelings of shame; later, this shows up in teens and young adults who put immense pressure on themselves to be very good at all times, something that can lead to anxiety and depression, or repressed anger and rebellion. Instead, setting limits and using discussion to discipline can help kids manage impulses on their own, develop a gauge for acceptable behavior, and grow into adults who are cooperative and secure in who they are.

After the incident with the television, Lisa let Harry sit in his room while she calmed down. But then she invited him out to talk about what had happened -- and why it had happened. They talked about him feeling bored but too shy around the boys at the park, which is why he kept playing in the house, alone. "I got to understand a bit about what he was going through at school and with the other kids, and I think he was acting out because he was struggling a bit but didn't know how to express that," she said. "He felt bad enough about the incident that I didn't punish him, but I most definitely had him help clean up." Not having a TV, she said, actually proved to be a nice chance for family bonding. "We started talking more and more about how to make friends," she said. "And, of course, going without television for a few weeks was a lesson in itself. A big one."]]> Men 2020 tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3075840 2013-04-13T10:00:11-04:00 2013-04-13T10:09:16-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
For men, that future is a lot less certain.

A time of female transformation has been a time of male accommodation. The adjustment to a massive transfer of power remains a work in progress and, judging by surveys and headlines, the progress is painfully uneven.

Where is the accommodation and adjustment taking the world of men? If the old model of masculinity has outlived its shelf life, what will the new one look like?

The husband of a long-time friend is groping for an answer. Like a lot of others, he recently found himself out of a job he assumed he would have as long as he wanted it. He's bitter. But more than that, he's confused. "it's not just being out of a job," he said. "That happens. You move on, and you find another one." But -- in a burst of self examination unusual for a hard-nosed former rugby player -- he said: "I feel like I'm competing in a whole different place. Some of the very best parts of who I am don't seem to fit."

Knowing him for the effective sometimes abrasive take-charge guy that he is, I thought to myself: "You might be on to something."

Until the last recent sliver of recorded history: Men were men, women were women, and biology was destiny.

But the strength that it took to build walls, forge steel and fight wars has lost its power to define possibility. The division between men's work and women's work is now simply a matter of choice. In all but a very few precincts of work and life, there is no intrinsic value in being male.

As men wander through this often painful period of reassessment of who and what they are in the world, the future holds some possible choices.

One argument is that gender difference is so genetically ingrained that we will, over time, revert to a semblance of traditional roles. This period of adjustment will end, and men will be men -- perhaps with some excess of testosterone bled from the tank. (There is also hope in some quarters that lower feminist-liberal birth rates and higher traditional-conservative birth rates will one day restore men to the throne.)

Another, recently popular, take is that men are old news. Their role -- their very usefulness in a developed society -- has been usurped to the point they will never again be men as we know them. They will be androgynous followers of a new and superior model of female leadership. As James Wolcott put it in a Vanity Fair article: American men are " in a prolonged batting slump."

Somewhere in between is the hope that we will grow into a society where gender expectation is fluid and multidimensional. A sense of place and roles will be as diverse as the humans who measure their worth against them. We might even revert to an earlier-times gender community, where it took both men and women working together to bring in the crops.

If we want a peek at men by the end of the decade, we might start with those who will about then, be hitting their prime -- the 80 million or so Millennials.

Some of the signs bode well.

In the same way they are called the first generation of digital natives, they are also the first generation of gender natives. Gender equality was taught early and reinforced continuously in all aspects of their lives.

For them working with -- and for women -- is no more remarkable than getting an email.They are also much more likely to take a greater share of household responsibility. They support the ambitions of working wives and are -- generally -- comfortable with those wives earning as much or more than they do.

Research also indicates Millennial men are more family-oriented than earlier generations of fathers who prowled the perimeters of family life -- not to be bothered when he's reading the paper.

An Oxford University study found Millennial males spend ten times more time with their children than men of a generation ago. Sociologist Suzanne Bianchi, in an extensive study of how parents use their time, found that men's involvement has increased across the board -- not just trips to the zoo, but also trips to the pediatrician.

Then, there is the increase in stay-at-home dads. They only number 176,000, or about 3.4 percent of all stay-at-home parents, but the numbers have doubled in a decade.

Like all Millennials, they are more accepting of difference, reflected in the generation's nearly 70 percent support for marriage equality. They grew up in the most diverse households in our history -- one in four was raised by a single parent. Large numbers of others grew up with working mothers and blended families following divorce.

If we stopped there it would indicate that we are headed toward a new improved model of males -- kinder, gentler, more accepting and more attached to home and family then men of the past.

But there is more that indicates the new model may have some mismatched parts.

A recent Pew study found that Millennial women have passed men in their career expectations.
Two-thirds put career success high on their list of priorities. For men, it was just under 60 percent. Is it a refreshing lack of materialism or a relative lack of ambition?

It also appears younger men are shying away from relationships.

Pew research says that the desire to marry among young women is rising -- with high importance increasing from 28 to 37 percent since 1997. For young men, it dropped from 35 to 29 percent. Theories abound. One (which drew angry rebukes and one invitation to commit suicide for Foxnews.com blogger Suzanne Venker for her article "Let's call a truce in the war on men") is that men are avoiding marriage because women have lost touch with their feminine side.

According to one marketing study, Millennial men are less likely to get romance going in the first place. Men and women were asked if "men should be the ones to lead and initiate in romance." Almost 45 percent of women agreed. Only 33 percent of men did.

Another finding in the same study: Both men and women were asked to list their greatest fears. For women, being alone ranked second behind being sick. For men being alone near the bottom, just above being bored.

For women the fall of gender boundaries has meant freedom, choice and opportunity. For men it has meant confusion. The expectations and assumptions that formed the superstructure for manhood for generations has fallen away, with nothing yet emerging to take their place.

The statistics of apparent male decline however do not signal XY Armageddon. They are a natural reaction to an unprecedented shift in power. Most are adjusting nicely to the withdrawal of past entitlements. They will form the core of 2020 men who compete and win without privilege.

Others will struggle: some to the point that they simply choose to opt out of the competition -- in education, careers, even relationships.

Men and women are swept up in the same revolution. as history teaches, revolutions don't go backwards. The world of men and women has changed forever. Accept it or reject it.

Either way as archetype manly man John Wayne said in Stagecoach: "Well, there's some things a man just can't run away from."]]> The Poetry of Women's Work tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3054759 2013-04-10T15:44:48-04:00 2013-04-10T15:44:51-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/ The bed and desk both want me.
The windows, the view, the idea of Paris.

With my minutes, I chip away at the idiom,
an unmarked pebble in a fast current.

-- Rachel Zucker, from "After Baby After Baby"

I've never liked the term "working mother." To me, it implies that I'm some kind of subcategory, and not a full member of the club. The label also combines a bit of praise for a superhuman effort with a whiff of disapproval for the fact that balancing work and family means someone is getting shortchanged. "Working father," meanwhile? You don't hear it.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted success as a researcher. I wanted to be in all the best journals. I wanted to discover great things and write books about what I learned. I never even thought about being a mother. But then early in my 30s, motherhood was all I thought about. Unlike today, that was the age when most women reached their go/no-go decision on having children. This was not a conscious choice. It was an emotional, even physical need. Every tick of my biological clock sounded like a rifle shot.

We had a son. And much later in life a baby girl. And that whole world-class research thing? It's still here, and as insistent as ever. But what made my emotional struggle especially difficult was that my life wasn't. My husband did quite well quite early. Basically, I didn't have to do much I didn't want to. The idea of stretching ligaments to embrace both work and domesticity, I know, must leave many without my options asking: "Are you nuts?"

Maybe. But I'm certainly not alone. We've been at this whole women and work thing for several decades now, with an ongoing public debate over which option -- working or not -- makes mothers happier. And in the early months of 2013, we've found ourselves here once again. Commentary on the subject has ignited the pages of cultural magazines, not to mention the media's renewed discussion of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, which celebrates its 50th anniversary this year. Whether it's the "feminist housewife" profiled in a recent New York cover story, or the woman rising to corporate leadership discussed in Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead, the ideal role of women in the modern world continues to be a subject of popular contention. Meanwhile, in homes and offices and laboratories and classrooms, wherever we exercise our life's calling -- or callings -- we share more similarities than the debate over "a woman's place today" suggests.

What a better time than this, National Poetry Month, to enter another sort of discussion: the common space poems create for reflection -- on the challenges we face, the choices we make, and the invaluable importance of all women do.

"We tried, beyond work, at work, to keep what we loved," wrote Sandra MacPherson in her poem "Resigning from a Job in the Defense Industry." These words, published in 1970, still sum up the struggle at the center of the work-life tug-of-war. While the message is firm in its realism, it's also affirmative. With clear eyes, and a bit of absurdist humor, poetry can provide solace in the storm. Take Brenda Hillman's "Time Problem," part of a longer meditation on time, family, and busyness:

My girl came to the study
and said Help me;
I told her I had a time problem
which meant:
I would die for you but I don't have ten minutes.
Numbers hung in the math book
like motel coathangers. The Lean
Cuisine was burning
like an ancient city...

Here we are, juggling priorities with immense sensitivity to the sacrifices we make with every decision, the micro-worlds it seems we compromise with every choice -- in the workplace, too. Elizabeth Willis tackles the problem with similar wit in "January":

My office alerts me
I have only so much time

Prosperity is just around
that hairpin turn

In this way the poem
lays its hand against your head

Its words are using you
to power-down the view

In times of self-doubt--after all, we're living in an era of "hairpin turns": career changes, a tumultuous economy, and technology advancing at a dizzying pace--poetry can provide a space for recalling the fundamentals of our choices. Crystal Williams writes in "God Is Good":

Today my accomplishments crouch in the corner
not jabbering happily or raising their hands,
but with their grubby heads down murmuring something dull.

But then there's a turn:

Maybe this is the good life, this sudden uncertainty.
Maybe this is the woman all women once were.

Whatever we choose to do, or find ourselves doing, poetry can remind us to be present and do that thing well. Julia Alvarez considers her mother's command of the domestic realm in "Woman's Work":

Who says a woman's work isn't high art?
She'd challenge as she scrubbed the bathroom tiles.
Keep house as if the address were your heart.

Ultimately, this art form that can sometimes elude us can also, in quiet moments, validate us deeply, and reveal the power in our shared connections. "We're fighting against our acculturation that tells us when we write about our lives, it's trivial. We write out of fury at being relegated to having our lives called 'trivial,'" says the poet Daphne Gottlieb in the anthology Woman Poets on Mentorship: Efforts and Affections. "And we help each other get our words out there, because one voice alone won't move the world forward, but nations of women together might."

Ultimately, in my own life, I accepted the fact that motherhood was not the choice. Work was. And if I wanted that choice, I would have to embrace the chaos, even if that meant occasionally showing up to lecture medical students wearing two different shoes. This is how I came to be content in the way you are when your choices, your words, are your own, and they take you to a place you accept and understand.

Wherever you focus your efforts, or "lean in," to borrow Sandburg's phrase, what are your words?

Read more from these women poets:
"After Baby After Baby" from Museum of Accidents by Rachel Zucker (Wave Books, 2010)
"Resigning from a Job in the Defense Industry" from Elegies for the Hot Season by Sandra MacPherson (Indiana University Press, 1970)
"Time Problem" from Loose Sugar by Brenda Hillman (Wesleyan University Press, 1997)
"January" from Address by Elizabeth Willis (Wesleyan University Press, 2011)
"God Is Good" by Crystal Williams from Women Poets on Mentorship: Efforts and Affections (University of Iowa Press, 2008)
"Woman's Work" from Homecoming: New and Collected Poems by Julia Alvarez (Plume, 1996)]]> The Queen Bee's Deadliest Weapon: Gossip tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3013977 2013-04-04T09:19:38-04:00 2013-04-04T09:32:29-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
Alex chalked it up to a bit of promotion envy--only natural, she thought--and assumed they'd get over it eventually. Until a month or so later when one of the law partners called her into his office and told Alex he'd heard that she had been going around bragging about her new salary, not to mention sharing details about a top secret case she'd been assigned to help out on. It was untrue on both counts, but Alex had to work hard to convince the partner to believe her. Why would there be so much chatter, he wanted to know, if there wasn't some truth to it?

The reason why, of course, is because Alex's colleagues had used office gossip in its most pointed, and damaging, way: first to punish and ostracize her, then to compromise her standing at the firm. They knew what they were doing. That is, working hard to halt Alex's ascent over them, and in the most passive aggressive way. In describing the situation to me, I believed Alex when she said she did nothing to provoke the ire of her coworkers other than to do good work and get recognized for it. In today's modern workplace, that's often enough--especially among women.

Various studies, including one conducted in 2012 and published in the journal Sex Roles, note that women are more voracious gossipers than men, and that their intentions are often more sinister as well. More than men, women often gossip as a means to compete, with the intent to be hurtful or harm. And so perhaps it's not surprising that as more and more women in the workplace compete with each other for jobs, they're calling on gossip as a means to get ahead--or keep others down. A 2012 study, this one out of the University of Amsterdam, found that gossip makes up 90 percent of office conversation.

For many, office gossip is a form of reputational warfare, a hostile endeavor undertaken by those trying to advance their own interests. The gossip doesn't have to be performance related; even gossip about topics like how a woman dresses, or what she does in her free time, can cause those who hear the chatter to view her in a different way. Take the situation Simone, an assistant professor in the English department at a small liberal arts college, found herself in. After a few months on the job--during which time she found out that her department head, Joann, had not endorsed Simone as a hire--Simone found out that Joann was quietly, but purposefully, bad mouthing her outside the office. Joann would make a point to talk about Simone with other professors at the college, but also with professors and authors outside the school. She was careful, it seemed, to disguise her jabs as casual comments that assumed the listener already knew the information Joann was sharing--even though such information was entirely made up: That Simone had engaged in an affair with a student; that she was trading favorable book reviews to authors who promised her the same in return. Simone knew it was causing some people to think of her differently, but she didn't know how she was supposed to make it stop, or even what to call it. She tried going to the Dean of Faculty to issue a complaint but found herself at a loss. "I couldn't think of any way to describe what was happening than saying my boss was talking about me behind my back," Simone told me. "And that just seemed ridiculous." She ended up leaving without saying a word.

That's the real danger with office gossip (which needn't even be confined to within the office walls): While it can be very damaging to a career, it's often difficult to prove, and punish, which means that many gossipers get away with it, at least for a while. A 2009 study published in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography looking at elementary school teachers in the Midwest found that workplace gossip isn't just more negative and elaborate than gossip among friends, but also stealthier. The insults are subtler. Often, victims don't know any way to protect themselves other than to start reciprocating.

Eventually, Simone found herself having to address the rumors Joann had fabricated in an attempt to save her career. But the damage had already been done. "Even having people think for even a short time that I was maybe unethical or immoral, either as an academic or a person, colored how they saw me," she said. "I became a question mark." The fact that she had to bring it up herself in order to tell people it was untrue made the situation even worse; even Simone's longtime boyfriend heard some of the talk and confronted her to ask if the affair rumor was true. "There was no way to win," said Simone. A year later, she left the college. Joann, meanwhile, was recently granted tenure. Says Simone, "And who knows how many other women's lives she had to ruin in order to get there."]]> Girl Power -- But at What Cost? tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2939881 2013-03-23T11:41:30-04:00 2013-03-23T11:41:33-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/ Kick-Ass, Hit-Girl, a 10-year-old vigilante in a purple wig played by Chloe Grace Moretz takes down more than a dozen armed men using two shot guns and a variety of exotic fighting techniques. As Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" plays in the background, Hit-Girl shoots many of the men in the head, at close range.

Kick-Ass, of course, centered on Hit-Girl, and this scene is just the culmination of a few hours' worth of others just like it. But these scenes, or these characters, are not particularly rare -- or even, these days, extreme. Pick any action movie, and chances are good there will be at least one scene in which a woman beats up a man (and, of course, looks good doing it). In most cases, there will be a lot of back flips involved. Sometimes, there will be multiple men. The good news here is that women are being cast as tough characters and superheroes as often as men. But the bad news may be the dangerous message all this woman-imparted violence is sending to young girls.

According to the National Center for Mental Health Promotion and Youth Violence Prevention, schools and communities have experienced a rise in aggression, delinquency, and bullying among girls and young women in recent years. From 1991 to 2000, arrests of girls increased more (or decreased less) than arrests of boys for most types of violent offenses, while a national student survey revealed that "33 percent of female students reported being bullied at school compared to 30 percent of male students." In 2009, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration found that one in four adolescent girls has been the perpetrator of, or has participated in, a violent act in the past year.

Could pop culture have anything to do with it? Surely. While girl power, the movement that began in the early 90s, has aimed to empower many young girls to be ambitious, assertive, and self-reliant, that girl power as interpreted on TV and in film is slowly but surely seeping into our streets as something more sinister. Films like Sucker Punch, Haywire, and The Dark Knight Rises, with Anne Hathaway's vengeful Catwoman (in form-fitting suit, naturally), feature hyper-violent women toeing the line between feminism and fetishism. The New York Times recently reported that Kick-Ass 2 Prelude: Hit-Girl, debuted on the graphic books hardcover best-seller list at number four, while violent vixens represent some of the most popular video game characters, including Lara Croft and Mortal Kombat's Sonya Blade.

Meanwhile, last week's New York Post featured the story of a Bronx elementary school teacher who starred in a bloody B-movie, Gang Girl, as a thug who deals drugs, rapes, and murders. According to the Post, violent incidents have spiked at her school. Female rage is in, and the Mean Girl has officially been replaced by the murderous one.

Which makes the case that girl power violence is really no better than the old, and long-derided, Tom vs. Jerry sort of TV violence fed to kids -- especially when so many of those characters, at their core, serve to fulfill some male fantasy of the sexy little killer. But the answer isn't to direct girls exclusively to movies that feature women as princesses and sweethearts. Until we have more films that portray women as bold and unafraid -- and nobody's object -- it's parents' job to have frank conversations with girls about the difference between fantasy and reality, and what to draw from the feminine heroes they're seeing more and more of. According to Children Now, research shows that children, especially those between the ages of eight and 12, want their parents to talk with them about violence, and that those who have early conversations about tough subjects are more likely to continue turning to their parents as they become teens. Some ways to start:

Monitor their intake. You're not going to be able to shield your child from all violence in pop culture. But you can limit it, and help minimize the risk that she becomes desensitized to it. Minimize the fictional depictions, and use real life violence as a conversation starter. Watching the outcomes of real world violence on TV, or reading about it together in the news, can be a good opportunity to talk with children about the consequences of such acts of violence.

Host movie post-mortems. Kids feel better when they talk about their feelings. After a movie or TV show that may have seemed violent -- upsetting or not -- ask your daughter her thoughts. Let her know the show seemed scary to you, too -- that she isn't alone -- and then reassure her that what she saw on TV was just make-believe. Play video games together and then talk about them after. If anything you've seen together on screen disturbs you, tell her why.

Demystify the cool factor. Badass women in film may seem cool, and in some ways they are. But instead of celebrating these women for the ass they can kick, encourage girls to look up to them for their strength of character -- and in the meantime find them other models of female strength in movies that don't rely on violence. Talk about the importance of being strong and standing up for one's self, but that in real life that doesn't mean acting aggressive (or violent). It also doesn't require wearing skintight clothing.

Reassure them of their safety. An overexposure to violence can cause kids to become anxious and fearful. She'll wonder if she's safe -- and she'll wonder if she needs to act like the girls she sees on TV in order to stay safe. Be supportive and reassuring, and let girls know that safety does not follow acts of violence. Talk to them about how in real life, guns and knives hurt and kill people. Get them to say it back to you -- again, and again.]]> Les femmes ne sont peut-être pas les meilleurs patrons, mais ce ne sont pas non plus les meilleures employées tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2933325 2013-03-22T12:34:08-04:00 2013-03-22T12:40:34-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/ technologie, et depuis peu, elle assure la supervision d'une douzaine d'autres recruteurs. Recruter peut se révéler très compétitif - la plupart des recruteurs sont payés à la commission - mais c'est aussi un travail de collaboration. Elle a souvent proposé d'aider ses collègues, trouve des pistes, et ils font la même chose qu'elle. Du moins les hommes. Les employés avec lesquels Amanda déclare avoir toujours le plus de mal sont les femmes. "Je trouve que mes collègues féminines sont en général moins désireuses de s'entraider", explique-t-elle. "Elles ont tendance à toujours discuter quel que soit le conseil que je donne, et semblent toujours prendre les critiques personnellement. Elles ne veulent pas de mon aide, et ne veulent surtout pas rendre la pareille."

J'ai récemment écrit à propos du nombre croissant de "reines des abeilles" dans le monde du travail, c'est-à-dire des femmes qui ont pour but de déstabiliser ou d'écarter leurs employées féminines, par sentiment d'insécurité, de compétitivité, ou en raison d'une certaine mauvaise volonté à venir en aide aux autres femmes. C'est probablement la raison pour laquelle, selon l'institut de sondages Gallop, les employés américains préfèrent, et de loin, leurs patrons masculins.

Mais bien qu'il soit facile - ou, du moins, courant - d'accuser les femmes au pouvoir d'être des despotes trop exigeants ou des mentors réticents à la tâche, est-ce bien la vérité ? Pas vraiment. La vérité est que l'intolérance entre femmes est complètement mutuelle, et qu'il est aussi difficile de diriger des femmes que de devoir leur rendre des comptes.

Les femmes subordonnées sont souvent moins respectueuses et déférentes envers leurs patronnes qu'elles ne le sont envers leurs patrons. Elles ont plus tendance à remettre en cause, à repousser, et s'attendent à un certain niveau de familiarité ou de camaraderie qu'elles n'attendent pourtant pas du tout de la part des hommes. Cela confirme cette grande tradition de femmes connues pour se montrer très critiques les unes des autres, une affirmation prouvée par la science : une étude publiée dans la revue Psychological Science a conclu que les femmes ont une vision négative des autres femmes dans leur vie - y compris les amies, les collègues, et oui, les patronnes - bien plus rapidement et librement que ne le font les hommes avec les autres hommes.

C'est le cas de Maria, une jeune avocate qui raconte avoir rencontré d'énormes difficultés à engager une secrétaire. "Elles semblaient toutes vouloir me materner, et pas de la bonne façon", explique Maria. "Quand je leur ordonnais - gentiment, croyais-je - d'effectuer certaines tâches, ou refusais de passer plus de quelques minutes à bavarder, j'avais droit à des regards blessés. Comme si je venais de rouler sur leur chat." Elles commentaient le nombre d'appels que Maria recevait au travail de soupirants, la longueur de ses jupes, puis se vexaient immédiatement quand elle demandait quand tel ou tel rapport serait disponible.
"Or, ajoute Maria, vous savez bien qu'elles ne diraient jamais rien au collègue de l'autre côté du couloir à propos de ses pantalons trop serrés !". Finalement, elle a engagé un jeune homme de 23 ans.

Les recherches confirment que les employées féminines placent à une échelle de valeurs différente leurs managers femmes et leurs homologues masculins, comme cela a été établi dans une étude publiée par le British Journal of Management. Elles seront plus enclines à rejeter les patronnes qui dirigent de façon traditionnelle, ou "comme des hommes", mais est-ce le cas si le chef est un homme ? Non. Cela vient peut-être du fait que nous restons bloquées sur d'anciennes attentes sociétales concernant le rôle des femmes devant servir les hommes. Ou peut-être parce que certaines femmes profitent du succès d'une femme manager pour s'examiner d'un œil critique. Et quand cet examen ne s'avère pas positif, elles auront tendance à le retourner sur "la connasse qui occupe ce super bureau", comme peut-être, dans le cas d'Amanda.

Etre une patronne constitue un cercle vicieux classique. Pour que les femmes réussissent, il faut qu'elles soient différentes, extraordinaires, et pas trop émotives. Mais pour qu'elles soient respectées par leurs collègues féminines, on doit pouvoir s'en sentir proche, les trouver appréciables et elles doivent "être comme tout le monde". Quand ce n'est pas le cas, il y a une forte opposition. Regardez Marisa Mayer, qui a été très critiquée lorsqu'elle a décidé d'interdire le télétravail, une décision qu'elle a prise pour que l'entreprise fonctionne mieux - en d'autres termes, pour faire le travail pour lequel elle a été engagée.

Une autre femme que j'ai rencontrée, Lorri, décrit le département entièrement féminin qu'elle dirige dans un lycée comme "le retour de l'équipe de pom-pom girls". Depuis son premier jour de travail, elle s'est sentie jugée en permanence. Pour ses décisions, pour ses chaussures. Elle a entendu la façon dont les femmes qu'elle supervise parlent des autres enseignantes, et ne peut qu'imaginer la façon dont elles parlent d'elle. Quand Lorri a mis en place de nouvelles restrictions en réponse à de grandes coupures budgétaires du district, y compris une limite des dépenses et l'obligation d'assurer un soutien des étudiants deux fois par mois après l'école, l'intégralité du personnel a arrêté de lui parler. Elle a remarqué que dans le même temps, les directeurs masculins de l'école ont pu mettre en place ces changements avec bien moins de ronchonnements de la part de leurs subordonnées féminines. "Elles savaient que la décision ne venait pas de moi", m'a confié Lorri. "Mais dans mon département, c'est comme si elles cherchaient juste des excuses pour s'en prendre à moi".

Elles l'ont fait probablement. Il y a beaucoup de femmes qui correspondent au profil de la reine des abeilles. Mais selon l'étude du British Journal of Management, les femmes sont aussi susceptibles de cataloguer l'une des leurs comme en étant une, même quand ce n'est pas le cas. Les femmes s'attendent souvent à ce que les femmes à la tête d'un bureau le dirigent comme un foyer. Et quand ces dernières le dirigent comme une véritable entreprise - comme c'est le cas de Mayer - bien des femmes se sentent trahies. Maria a souvent pensé que les secrétaires féminines la considéraient comme froide et distante. Ce n'était pas son souhait, mais elle a dû en passer par là pour que les choses soient faites. Et franchement, elle avait besoin de leur aide sur d'autres points que la longueur de ses jupes.

Les femmes brillantes doivent-elles pour autant être aimées ? Pas plus que les hommes brillants. Et elles n'ont pas plus le devoir de représenter toutes les femmes, ni mêmes certaines. Alors qu'on assiste à une augmentation des femmes accédant à des postes à responsabilité, des gens ont imaginé que l'environnement de travail deviendrait plus humain, plus doux. Peut-être que cela se produira ; peut-être pas. Mais il est certain que la responsabilité ne repose pas seulement sur la reine des abeilles. Elle repose aussi sur ses abeilles ouvrières.

]]>

Les femmes ne sont peut-être pas les meilleurs patrons, mais ce ne sont pas non plus les meilleures employées tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2929867 2013-03-22T02:49:13-04:00 2013-03-22T05:09:21-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
I recently wrote about the increase in the numbers of 'queen bees' in the workplace, women who aim to undermine or push aside their female employees out of insecurity, competitiveness, or some inherent unwillingness to help out other women. As more and more females rise to management positions, their same sex employees are reporting with greater frequency incidents of bullying, verbal abuse, and job sabotage. This may be why, according to Gallup, American employees prefer their bosses male, and not by a small margin.

But while it's easy -- or, at least, commonplace -- to blame women on top for being over-demanding despots and unwilling mentors, is that the reality? Not quite. The truth is that intolerance among women is entirely mutual, and women are just as difficult for women to employ as they are for women to report to.

Female subordinates are often less respectful of and deferential to their female bosses than they are to their male bosses. They question more, push back, and expect a certain level of familiarity or camaraderie that they don't expect from the men. This speaks to the long tradition of women being notoriously hypercritical of one another, an assertion proven by science: A study published in the journal Psychological Science concluded that women form a negative view of other women in their lives -- including friends, coworkers, and, yes, bosses -- far more quickly and freely than men do of other men.

Like in the case of Maria, a young lawyer who reported having tremendous difficulty hiring a secretary. "They all seemed to want to mother me, and not in a good way," said Maria. "When I directed them -- nicely, I thought -- to perform certain tasks, or refused to engage with them in more than a minute or so of chit-chat, I'd get these looks of hurt. Like I'd run over their cat." They'd make comments about the number of suitors who'd call Maria at the office and about her skirt lengths, then stomp off in a huff if she asked when a report might be ready. "And" said Maria, "you know they'd never say anything to the partner down the hall about his too-tight pants!" Finally, she hired a 23-year-old guy.

Research confirms that female employees hold their female managers to different standards than they do their male managers, as noted in a 2008 study published in the British Journal of Management. They're more likely to reject female bosses who behave in a traditionally managerial way, or "like a man," but when the manager is a man? Not an issue. This may be because we're still stuck on old societal expectations about the role of women serving men. Or it may be that some women use the occasion of a female boss's success to turn the critical eye on themselves. When that doesn't feel good, they turn it back on "the bitch in the corner office," like, perhaps, in Amanda's case.

Being a female boss is a classic catch-22. In order for women to succeed, they have to be different, extraordinary, and not too emotional. But in order for them to be respected by their female employees, it seems these women also need to be relatable, likable, and "just like everyone else." When they're not, there's major backlash. Just look at Marisa Mayer, who has been widely criticized for her decision to ban telecommuting, a decision she made in order to benefit the company -- in other words, in order to do the job she was hired to do.

Another woman I met, Lorri, describes the all-female department she leads at a high school as "the second coming of the cheerleader squad." From the day she started, Lorri has felt as if she were constantly being judged: for her decisions, for her shoes. She heard how the women she oversaw talked about other female teachers; she could only imagine how they talked about her. When Lorri implemented new restrictions in response to district-wide budget cuts, including a limit on expenses and a mandatory twice a month after-school commitment to students, the entire department stopped speaking to her. Meanwhile, she noted that the male department heads at the school were able to implement the changes with minimal griping from their female subordinates. "They knew it was a decision that came from somewhere else," Lorri told me. "But in my department, it was as if they just wanted some excuse to turn on me."

Likely, they did. There are many women who fit the profile of the queen bee. But women are also likely to label one another as such when they aren't, according to the British Journal of Management study. Women often expect women bosses to run the office like they might run a household. When they run it like an actual business -- as in the case of Mayer -- many women feel betrayed. Maria often believed the female secretaries regarded her as cold and impersonal. She didn't want to be, but she did need to get things done. And, frankly, she needed their help with matters other than her skirt lengths.

Do successful women have an obligation to be liked? No more so than successful men. Nor do they have a responsibility to represent all women, or even some women. As we look at the rise of females in charge, there's been speculation of a future of kinder, gentler work environments. Maybe that will happen, maybe it won't. But guaranteed, the onus isn't on the queen bee alone. It's on her worker bees as well.]]> Why Kids Lie tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2890851 2013-03-16T10:43:05-04:00 2013-05-16T05:12:02-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
It's entirely normal for kids to experiment with lying, starting at an early age -- sometimes as early as two -- and escalating until 12, the age of greatest deceit, according to various studies conducted by Canadian researcher Kang Lee. Some lying is "healthy" lying -- fantasy and imagination at work, like a four-year-old's lie about her teddy bear telling her a secret. Other lies are "white lies" told to benefit another or to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and which tend to start around age six. Most lies kids -- and, for that matter, adults -- tell are more self-serving, however, and told to avoid trouble or punishment, look better in the eyes of others, or get (or get away with) something. This sort of lie from a three-year-old might come out as "someone else" spilling the apple juice on the living room rug. A 10-year-old who's insecure about his math abilities might lie about having already done his math homework.

This sort of lie can also show up, especially in boys, as mischief making. Seven-year-old Bobby always wanted to know "what would happen" if he threw a tennis ball against the house. He waited until his parents were out to tell the babysitter that "Mom lets me do it." He was so insistent, and confident, that the babysitter acquiesced. Later that day, Bobby's mom, Kathy, returned home to find the garage door window shattered in pieces on the driveway. "I suppose now he knew what would happen if you throw a ball against the house," said Kathy. "But then again, he probably always knew." What Bobby had done was use lying to get what he wanted, while also, in his mind, having the ability to "blame" the babysitter for allowing him to do it.

And then there are those kids who tell lies just for kicks, seemingly without anything to gain. In the case of Henry, for instance, insisting that 2 plus 2 was 5 was something he said just because he could; just, Sophie suspected, to see what might happen. Some studies suggest that children with better cognitive abilities tend to lie more, since lying requires first keeping the truth in mind and then manipulating that information. The ability to lie successfully -- something that Henry had not yet learned how to do, though Sophie got the sense he was definitely working his way up to that -- requires even more in the way of thinking and reasoning. Lying proficiency has also been linked to good social skills later on, in adolescence.

That doesn't mean such lies, or any lies kids tell, should go unacknowledged. It's important to raise children to value honesty, and to prevent lying from becoming frequent and consistent, the point at which lying is most troublesome. The first step in figuring out how to address a lie is to consider why your child is telling it. Is the child trying to avoid trouble? Save face? Is he old enough to understand that lying is wrong? A three-year-old who won't cop to coloring on the wall knows that wall coloring is bad, but may not quite understand that lying about it isn't. In such a case, instead of threatening him with punishment, teach him about the value of things.

Gently point out that you think he may know more than he is letting on, and then thank and praise him if he comes clean. This can foster more truth-telling in the future. What's more, in younger and older kids, don't set them up to lie. If you know a child has spilled milk on the living room rug because you saw it happen, don't ask her if she spilled milk on the rug. Instead, ask her why it happened. If you know your 16-year-old has been smoking because you found cigarettes in his car, don't ask him if he's smoking. Ask him when he started.

In all cases, when talking to kids about lying, express your displeasure. Be explicit that it's wrong to lie, and explain why. Make it clear that lying diminishes trust, and that the more frequently he lies, the harder it becomes to believe him when he's telling the truth. Establish, and stick with, consequences for lying; the more a child has gotten away with lying, the more likely he is to continue. Try to head lying off at the pass: If you sense a lie is coming, say, "It makes me happy when you tell me the truth." And keep in mind yourself that lying is different from not sharing. This is particularly relevant as kids approach adolescence, when kids may be more reluctant to share information with you, but without necessarily lying. Allowing them to develop their own sense of independence -- that is, resisting the need to know everything -- and being confident in their decision-making will reduce the likelihood that they'll lie to you about the things that really matter.

And above all, with kids of any age, help encourage the notion of truth telling by practicing it yourself. Most adults issue "harmless" lies all day long, within earshot of children. Maybe that's a lie about a kid's age to get a break on tickets to a soccer game. Or telling someone who calls that you can't talk because you're running out the door, when you're about to sit down to watch a movie. Keep in mind that kids, especially those under 10, often can't tell the difference between small lies and big ones. They just know it's happening. And that lying is a learned -- but changeable -- behavior. The more they're conditioned to hearing lies, the more they'll think they're a normal part of behavior, and vice versa. Which means the biggest truth of all is that raising honest kids starts with you.]]> Career Women and the New Definition of Success tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2853809 2013-03-11T14:35:20-04:00 2013-05-11T05:12:01-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
And Sandy's dedication was paying off: She was killing it at work. "Some days, I really think I could be the next Marissa Mayer," says Sandy, whose name I've changed. "That's hard to turn your back on." The potential of what could be was irresistible, and what kept her getting up at 6 a.m. even after a long night of feedings and diaper changes or transcontinental flights. And yet sometimes she caught herself wondering: Will life always go by this fast? Was this, actually, life?

The old saying, "Success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting what you get" might well sum up the dilemma of many professional women. Certainly, many gladly make the sacrifices and adjustments necessary to get what they want. Maybe that's working until midnight in order to catch their son's afternoon soccer game. Or hiring a nanny to help take care of the kids. Maybe it's not having kids at all.

Even though their lives may not be perfect, they're pleased with what their compromises have achieved.

But does that mean success brings happiness? I'm not so sure -- at least not for every woman. Maybe not even for women like Sandy -- not all the time, anyway. And if media and blog attention is a measure, it seems those compromises are indeed more difficult for others. That the happiness they assumed came packaged with success is, in fact, far more elusive.

Surveys tend to confirm a connection between success on the job and happiness. There's the recent study presented at a meeting of the American Sociological Association, which noted that mothers who go back to work within weeks of giving birth reported feeling more energetic and less depressed than those who spent months or years at home. Or the Gallup study released in May that found stay-at-home moms were more likely to experience stress, worry, anger, and sadness than those who worked paying jobs.

Other surveys, meanwhile, refute the notion that working moms are happier moms, like the one conducted by ForbesWoman and TheBump.com, which found that a growing number of women view staying home to be the ideal circumstance of motherhood. These examples, however, prove only that happiness surveys may be second only to infidelity surveys on the scale of unreliability. There are simply too many factors involved -- maybe just a bad week at the office, or a bad week at home -- to form certainty that a trend is a foot.

There are some hard statistics, however, that seem to indicate the needle is swinging farther in one direction than the other. A 2011 report by McKinsey Research pointed out that women are claiming 53 percent of entry-level management jobs. After that, the numbers drop: to 37 percent for mid-managers, and even lower, to 26 percent, for vice presidents and up. These shrinking numbers either mean that the glass ceiling is thicker and lower than we imagined, or that younger women on the way up are finding a way out -- or, quite possibly, both.

Now that more women than ever before are tasting professional success, there's no longer a question of whether a woman can succeed in "a man's world." Of course she can, and does. Instead, the question being asked, most usually by women, is this: What does success really mean? The reason more women ask is because the answer is likely more complex for them than it is for men. Gender intelligence expert Barbara Annis believes the definition of success for men is simple. It's winning. Success might come in the form of more money or a better job or a better parking space or a hotter wife. But success is about besting the competition, in any number of contests, period.

Women, of course, want to win, too. But Annis argues they also want to be valued. She relates that in her experience as a consultant to a range of Fortune 500 companies, the number one reason women leave their jobs is that they feel their work is undervalued and their strengths are overlooked. Men, she adds, find women's overwhelming need to "feel appreciated" very confusing. Which is why women are more likely than men to abandon a paying job to stay home with the kids, or seek out jobs that are more fulfilling than lucrative. Not that motherhood is often overvalued, or even thoroughly appreciated, but the truth is that it's easier to cut your own kid some slack for treating you like dirt than it is your 50-year-old boss.

I have a friend -- I'll call her Maggie -- who embodies the work-value dilemma. She was an overworked, underpaid editor of a small magazine who some time ago decided to become a lawyer. Her life became long days at work, long hours in night school, and grueling hours buried in books. But she got her degree, passed the bar, and landed a sought-after position as an associate at a mid-sized firm. She achieved her dream.

And yet, she's miserable. "It's not the amount of work," she told me. "It's that the work doesn't mean anything to me. And, to be honest, I think the people I work for could care less whether I do it or somebody else does. When I was an editor, it was more about me and something special I brought to the job. It never occurred to me that I could make this much money, and be this unhappy doing it." She's thinking of packing up her law degree and heading back to journalism.

To the extent that female inability to equate professional success with happiness exists, there is ample opinion as to why. Some blame the much-dissected dual pressures of home and work: Labor Department surveys consistently find that women do more at home than men, even when both are working paying jobs. Others say that women realize, and bemoan, the fact that the psychic payoff in reaching lifelong goals may be less than was advertised. Men might say, "join the club" -- success isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you money. But working women tend to thrive less on drama and conflict. They report feeling worn down from fighting back against the slights and petty exclusions that still exist in the darker corners of many organizations, even if they ultimately win those battles.

This isn't a weakness. For women, the search for meaning is not only valid, but vitally important, whether it shows up in how they approach raising a family or how they decide to balance work and life. They're realizing that a tax return with endless zeroes may mean nothing if there's no time to take a break to explore the world, be with friends, read a book on a quiet beach, or spend an idle afternoon with their 3-year-old. To their credit, many corporations are realizing this, kicking free of the vestiges of command and control, thanks, in large part, to women leaders who are infusing the workday with a focus on showing appreciation, doing meaningful work, and leaving time for family -- without compromising performance. It's one reason such an uproar was made when Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer banned telecommuting at the company. Some women felt betrayed that another woman wasn't helping make parenting-while-working easier, calling her, at turns, draconian, snobbish, and out of touch. But others commended her for doing her part to help the company stay relevant, reporting that Yahoo badly needed the discipline that Mayer is calling for.

Of course, this female-driven commitment to work/life balance will likely not be so gender-specific for long. The introduction and influx of Generation Y in the workplace will very quickly begin to shift why, how, how much, and for whom employees are working. Studies very clearly show that millennials -- both men and women -- have no intention of bartering quality of life for a paycheck. Too many watched their parents make that trade off, only to then see the paycheck disappear in the recession. Work, meaning, and recognition are seamless parts of their career expectations. And as baby boomers begin to retire en masse, it's a safe bet that a workplace that combines financial and emotional reward is where a new generation of talent is going to want to build careers. And if they don't want to build careers? Well, then, that just means they'll seek their meaning elsewhere. You can count on it.

This article first appeared on Forbes.com.]]> When It's Ok to Lie to Kids -- And When It's Not tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2796415 2013-03-02T10:25:51-05:00 2013-05-02T05:12:02-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
"I just don't like it," he said. "It's not fun." Fine, Andrea told him, if Joshua didn't like skiing, they wouldn't go ever again. "And while we're at it," she added, "why don't we cut out all vacations." She was hoping, with her threat, to teach her son about consequences, and the need for gratitude and appreciation. She had no intention of abandoning family ski trips; she herself loved them too much. What's more, she suspected he did love skiing, but was just trying to provoke her. It had worked, of course.

Most parents lie to their children, at various times and for various reasons. Maybe it's a lie about the existence of a big man in a red suit who makes and delivers presents, because doing so honors a tradition. Or one about the family cat being sent off to a farm where she can run free and chase squirrels all day, to avoid a difficult conversation. Maybe it's a lie about the real reason Mom and Dad are getting divorced, because kids don't need to know absolutely everything. Some lies are justifiable. Others are less so.

Whatever the situation and justification, lying among parents is, it seems, the norm. A new study published in the International Journal of Psychology says 84 percent of parents lie to kids to get them to behave better. The most common: "If you don't come with me now, I will leave you here by yourself," followed by false promises for a toy or other reward in exchange for compliance.

Jane remembers the lies she was told as a child, which spanned from an alarmist fib about what happens to little girls who don't listen to their teachers to the real reason Daddy was in the hospital. Thirty years later, these are lies that stuck with her less for the information they withheld than for the betrayal she felt when she found out the truth. Her father had been all right, but it could've gone the other way, she knows now. And had it, her parents' lie would have robbed her of the opportunity to say goodbye.

And yet now, as a mother of three, Jane's days are filled with lies. She lies about what happens to kids who don't brush their teeth. She lies about the real reason they were skipping a cousin's birthday party. She lies to her son about how good he is at the piano -- to encourage him, she tells herself -- and about what's for dinner, because the truth would surely elicit whines and complaints. She lies even as she constantly talks to her kids about the importance of total honesty at all times. "I realize I'm a complete hypocrite," Jane told me. "But some truths aren't age appropriate. And yes, sometimes -- most times -- it's just easier to lie." In most cases, she reasoned (and dinner aside), they'd never know the difference.

Wouldn't they? They may uncover the truth hours or days later, or it may take them years. They may, in fact, never know the difference. It might not matter: Each time a child needs to question whether or not a trusted adult is being honest, he feels a little less certain about that adult. Or he begins to doubt his own need to tell the truth. Lying can also prevent kids from learning certain rules, like in the case of a parent lying to a child about the consequences of misbehaving. What's really important isn't that they need to be quiet, or can't go down to the park by themselves, but why.

What's more, truthfulness is crucial to a healthy parent-child relationship as much for the parent as for the child. Lying can help parents avoid, quite simply, parenting -- or, at the very least, difficult conversations. It can stand in the way of valuable bonding moments. For example: Teaching children about serious subjects like death, sex, relationships, and love are some of the most challenging, but also most fulfilling, aspects of parenting when approached with a child's age and maturity level in mind. Telling a four-year-old that her dog has died is a difficult, but appropriate, conversation. Telling her that her dog died after getting into a fight with a coyote can also be okay, so long as you make clear that she's not in any danger herself and perhaps use it as a chance to talk about the dynamics of animals in nature. Telling her that her dog died because you accidentally left the back door open, and that when you found him, he was torn to bits -- not information she needs to know.

Acceptable lies: The ones that serve to protect children from information that would hurt them; the ones that help foster imagination and belief in an age-appropriate way, like in the case of Santa; or lies that that aren't exactly lies, but some small withholding of the truth, because you fear they don't yet have the capacity to deal with or understand the facts. Keep in mind, though, that kids can be surprisingly perceptive and often understand the basic themes of a situation -- hurt, sadness, happiness -- even as they may not understand some of the complexities. Jane's eight-year-old Ned, for example, could understand that his parents were having a disagreement, but Jane knew he didn't need to know about what. Talking about it later, however, became a nice teaching moment -- everyone has disagreements. A child doesn't need to know all the details, but if they suspect there's something you're not telling them, they may tell themselves that they're the problem.

One way to know if your child is ready to hear the truth: Try him. Introduce the information slowly, gauge the reaction, and proceed or retreat as necessary. Be as honest as you can be while making sure he feels safe, and knows how a situation might relate to his own life, and how it may not. Kids only want to know what an event or circumstance means to them. Honesty isn't always the best policy, but it's a pretty good road to take. And just like lying, telling the truth gets easier over time.]]> What to Do With Kids Over Spring Break: Absolutely Nothing tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2750338 2013-02-23T15:58:06-05:00 2013-04-25T05:12:01-04:00

Dr. Peggy Drexler http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/
Kids who have no desire to entertain themselves -- or even any idea how -- are increasingly common. Parents are confused, because isn't that why they bought all those racing cars, coloring books, puzzles, and Legos stashed in the playroom? But self-sufficiency isn't something most kids are born with. They need to be taught how to be with themselves -- what that means and what it looks like -- deliberately and repeatedly. School vacations can be a great opportunity for parents to do this; to encourage their children how to create their own fun, come up with their own activities, and even learn to appreciate being bored.

This can be difficult for some parents, especially those who view vacation as valuable extra time to spend with kids who are in school much of the week. Jamie, who'd taken the time off from work, had imagined a week that was a mix of family fun and personal time to catch up on reading, try new recipes, and get ahead with the laundry. Instead, she found herself playing cards and racing cars, when she wasn't leading outings or driving the boys all around town. They liked playing with each other, but only if Jamie was there, too. "I thought when I had two kids they'd entertain one another," Jamie said. "But they still seem to want, or need, me to set up the situation, if not also take part."

In one sense, Jamie was flattered that her boys wanted to spend so much time with her. She figured at six and nine she wouldn't have too many more years of this, which is one reason she continued to indulge them. But kids who can't come up with their own fun, or refuse to play without Mom or Dad by their side, risk becoming overly dependent. They have difficulty forming a clear sense of self. They may grow to become adolescents or adults who need other people around constantly, or get anxious when situations aren't stimulating. They don't know how to behave if it's not in pursuit of attention.

For most kids, the innate tendency is to let things happen to them, to be taken care of forever. As a parent, you can and should help alter that course. A few ways to start:

Give them the chance. It's difficult to listen to kids complain of being bored and, by extension, unhappy. But kids don't learn to play by themselves without practice. It can take time and lots of encouragement, but it's worth it: Solo play is an extremely important role in brain development. This means that kids benefit less when you commandeer the game for them, or over schedule so that there's something to look forward to every second of the day. What's more, kids who are always anticipating the next activity never learn how to be happy in the moment they're in. They grow to be adults always searching for what they don't yet have.

Back off -- and then back off some more. You can put together a list of activities your child can take part in when they're "bored." That's a great first step. But the ultimate goal is for them to figure out an activity for themselves, and then go do it. This is how self-sufficiency begins to form. One caveat: If given the choice, many kids may choose television or videos. Let them know that those are viable options (if they are in your house), but establish limits. For example, they can choose to play video games or TV during one half-hour block of the day. Once it's used up, they need to choose something else.

Find things for them to do. If they keep complaining, tell them you'll help them find something to do, all right: How about reorganizing their game closet? Or helping dust bookshelves? It won't take much of this for boys to realize that a better option than complaining or expecting your input is to go ahead and fill the time themselves.

Let them be bored. It's important for kids to learn that boredom is a normal part of life, and needn't lead to unhappiness or uneasiness. Life isn't constantly stimulating, and that's perfectly okay.

Lead by example. Let your kids know that downtime is important to you, and then go have some. Take a half hour to read on the couch, work on a project, or do some yoga without interruption. Show them that it can be fun to hang out with yourself. If they see it happening for others, they're more likely to try it out for themselves.]]>